End of 2007

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.

-Arthur Miller

Knot in Stomach

The thought of returning to a mess on the 3rd is really racking my nerves. Not quite sure what to do, other than just prepare for a conflict and figure out some-sort of resolution. My mind, of course, has been churning the worst-case scenarios. But who knows, really? I will bring a copy of my resignation, just in case the scenario happens.

I just need to deal with whatever comes.
I need to reevaluate my classroom management plan.
I need to revive my passion for teaching- do what I like to do and quickly deal (therefore spend less time) with things I do not like to do.

So, plans for the end of the semester nearly finished (half-finished).

Second semester (if I still have a job/ not quit the job), will be a clean slate for many things. I hope to turn some things around, and to push students in a more-serious direction of learning the language. Still, I am not planning too far ahead (being cautious).

Looked at jobs on the ISBE. There are a handful posted for next year. I need to update resume and portfolio. I hate being in the same position as last summer- but it will just have to be.

Birthday came and went with little fanfare- just as I wanted. Went to school, actually, to drop off notebooks and pick up Spanish literature books for Susi. Picked up Sara at the bus stations (holiday with family). Worked on lesson plans. Picked up Dos Reales for dinner (not so good) and watched t.v..

It is sad really, this life I mean.
Disenchantment has lead to the acceptance of an unfulfilling status quo, leading to a dullness of life and enjoyment.

How much unhappiness is acceptable?
How much uneasiness is livable?

Do I even know what I want anymore?

What will be my catalyst for change?

Still here....

Mood continues; end not in sight.

A bit of grading finished yesterday- still some to do, but at least it is started. I will finish it today, then deal with lessons.

Typed a draft of my resignation. I will wait until the end of the semester before I finalize and send it to the district.

Holiday Blues....

Mood lingers.

Not getting much done; spent day on sofa yesterday. I have plenty to do. Unhappiness leads to procrastination leads to lazy days.

I am not quite sure how to break it, other than throwing myself over the line- which is painful.

If I don't do it now, I will be behind once school returns to session:
Grading.
Lesson plans.
Quizzes, exams.
Handouts.

Not to mention other aspects of life that have gone by the wayside.

Some days it is just too much.

Christmas Over

Nice time over at Adam's and Martina's apartment yesterday.

Still, I am glad the holiday is over.

Now, just have to wait for birthday and New Year's to pass.

Why have I grown to be so sour about the season?
Expectations are too high- Christmas, birthday, New Years- and the reflections that follow.
Perhaps too much disappointment over the years.
Perhaps because the days are such a hassle (trekking).

Or, perhaps, it is just another day in this life.

What is Christmas anyway?

Art Conrad, in protest of the commercialism of the Christmas season, nailed a Santa to the cross.

It begs the question.....
What is Christmas in the 21st century anyway?

Christmas is an annual holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus (not actual birthday), but is intertwined with non-religious (pagan) customs. In the 21st century, religion is all but lost in the celebrations and Santa reins.

Winter-holiday festivals pre-date the Christian calendar, including celebrating pagan gods and the winter solstice on 25 December. Great feasts, as we have with family and friends, were a very important part of these festivals.

The Catholic church introduced the "12 days of Christmas, " (26 December, ending on January 6th) around 400 BCE to coincide with the pagan celebrations, but celebrating the baptism of Christ. We do not celebrate this here in the US, but numerous countries celebrate on Jan 6- the day the Magi arrived.

It was during the Middle Ages when the organization of the season was solidified and gift giving became an important part of Christmas, becoming the be-all end-all of the season. Of course, festivities lead to excess and eventually, there was a ban on the holiday (1600s) because the celebrations no longer focused on Jesus. In the US colonies, some banned the holiday as being "too English," later to follow the more-conservative view.

It was not until the publication of "A Christmas Carol" and "Twas the Night Before Christmas" during the 1800s when Christmas returned, rather reinvented with the romantic notions of the "spirit of Christmas," the fantastic St. Nick (Santa Clause), and a plethora of gifts for children. Christmas was declared a federal holiday in 1870 (Pres. Grant).

In the 21st century, this underlying current of tradition creates an ideal Christimas: family gatherings, decorating the tree (a pagan tradition- nature worship), and children fast asleep to wake to gifts from Santa (the Santa icon standardized in the 1920s; an actual Saint (Greek and German), as a gift-giver: origins in the 15th century).

In reality, the season is so-highly commercialized. I've heard what my students are asking for and it is really ridiculous. Soon after Halloween, the Christmas decorations pop up in stores, nearly disregarding Thanksgiving. The day after Thanksgiving, "Black Friday," is a notorious shopping day- feeding the frenzy of the season. This weekend is another hallmark, marking the final shopping days- big sales all around. And then, of course, the day after Christmas- huge sales. The national, if not world, economic end-of-year picture depends upon these holiday sales.

Christmas is no longer about family or tradition, rather it is about what is given and the economic-vitality of the season.

La noche de paz

Friday, my classes caroling "La noche de paz" around the school. For the most part, went very well. Very proud of my 7th hour, as they are quite a shy class. Fabian brought his guitar during 4th hour; Jessica, her violin in 8th hour.

Although it went well, still issues..... sad that week did not end as well.

First, 8th hour could not keep it together before be left to carol. I said something I should not have, which may get me in trouble.
Second, a shooting in downtown Freeport put the school in "lockdown" mode towards the end of 8th hour. Students were such drama queens- way over the top.

Over break..... a number of things to do: grades, lesson plans, reworking classroom management plan and expectations. Also, updating portfolio and preparing for new resume packet. A couple of projects around the house. Working at TBG as well.

Christmas day at Adam's, but time not determined.

Mood somewhat sour. Not looking forward to much of anything.

Fever

I did not think about it, but perhaps part of this sour mood is due to this fever.
It started on Tuesday; last night it was 101: five days.

Still, I know that is not the only reason.

Another bad week....

You know, I am getting quite tired of this routine.....
There is really nothing much I can do about it, not is there much I can change about it.
My teaching is definitely affected, and with an observation coming up this week, I need to change the mood.
But it is difficult.

Perhaps enough is enough.
What is the line between tolerable and intolerable unhappiness?

At the end of the day it would be nice to come home to a happy house, but it does not happen.

It has not been this bad in a long, long time.
Perhaps four or five years.... when I started the ink, actually.

Symbolism is not going to help me this time.

Snow day 12/11

Not so much snow, but a big "ice storm" hit Rockford and the surrounding areas. City is somewhat closed. Freeport not affected as much, but the freezing rain is to continue all day. No damage thus far, although the internet goes in-and-out and some of the cable stations are down.

I'll use the day to catch up on things: grading, Spanish club t-shirts, handouts.

Still, I am quite tired, so we shall see.

Nothing much....

Not a good week, not a bad week; really just a week.... not that it went unscathed, but nothing major.

Second observation (with Mr. Wiley) sometime over the next couple of weeks.

Paycheck yesterday... ran errands. It had been nearly a month (two pay cycles) since I last went to buy groceries and other things. There was just no money- there is no money.

After responsibilities are paid, there is just nothing left:
Monthly
Income: Teaching $1556 + Thunder Bay (est.) $300= 1856
Outcome: $2100 (school loans, car payment & insurance, gas, grocery & target, visa, and money to David for household bills). Odds and ends are not in this tab (school lunch, cigarettes, etc.), although they do take a bite.

I did not run a negative until last month. This month, I think I will be OK. I picked-up more shifts at the restaurant starting next week. Plus, the upcoming holiday should bring in some cash.

The extra money? I need to open some-sort of savings account (emergency money). In addition, some-sort of retirement account. David took care of gifts this year, so I need to give him money for that.

David and I decided not to do the holiday this year (no gifts, no tree). Sad, but a relief. It has all become such a hassle.

Two-weeks until winter break.
I do not like being a teach who looks forward to weekends and extended breaks, but that it how it is this year.

I already have a mental list of things to do over break- cleaning/organizing projects, update portfolio and job applications, resume gym. I am working a lot at the restaurant as well (money issues)..... so really, not much of a break.

No word from Susi in a while.... at least for two-weeks. Her time in Sevilla is coming to a close, so I assume she is trying to get everything in. I sent her a short list of things I would like her to bring back. Hopefully, she will be able to get a few things for me.

Snow Day 12/05

Wiley called me around 5:30 to let me know. Nice to know how prompt the district is when making decisions like this.... I was planning to leave early today.

The storm was not that bad, only 4-6 inches in Rockford, but the roads west of Rockford, particularly 20, I guess are bad.

So what to do today?
It would be a perfect day to get lessons done, but I did not bring anything home. I already have a draft for the next two weeks for Spanish I.

Shoveling.

District review yesterday- rather, an observation. We were told that they would be coming for random observations. I guess everything was fine- written observation only if there is an issue.

Second in-house observation soon- before winter break.

Better

Week ended on a nice note.....
Tannen dressed like me on Friday (shirt, tie, sweater). Very cute show of flattery. Made the issues of the week really non-important....

....somewhat. The issuing being that a large handful of students earned a D or F on the take-home test. To me, it is a sign of a number of things: students not following along in class, not taking notes, not completing homework, but most of all, not giving effort to their study of the language.

And otherwise, things are the same. Nothing new to say and tired of complaining about life.

Los recuerdos

David and I watch Torchwood- a program on BBC America. It is a very interesting show, a spin-off of Dr. Who (which I don't really care for).

The episode last night....

It is the most precious moment, the final moment, when time just stands still.
I shared this moment once- and it does last a lifetime.

At the tapas bar, when I realized that time was closing fast. First break-down; the realization that nothing would ever be the same.
After lunch with "the sisters," sitting on the steps of the Manstranza looking over the river.
The morning, bidding good-bye to Ana and Antonio.
Finally, at the airport, the final moment. I remember the wave and a smile. My front crumbled when I turned the corner after security.

So let's just go for the vein....

Yo espero la vida tratarte bien
y te espero tener todos de tus sueños.
Yo deseo a ti el júbilo y la felicidad.
Pero de todos, te deseo el amor.

and find another...

El amor nos toca una vez
pero lo queda con nosotros para el transcurso de la vida.

Short Week

Three-day week- ended well, more or less. A couple of issues, but nothing major... Still, I am a bit unsettled.

Big review quiz, part in-class and part take-home, went well. Not sure how I will grade it. Grades are due Wednesday, which does not leave me much time to grade.

After the past week + of review, we are a bit behind. I will push to catch them up. I just need to be careful of keeping the pace quick, but not too quick.

New homeroom bulletin board up: "The A List." Although leans towards the competitive nature of the system, I believe this will keep my homeroom students on-track during a time that is more-often slacking than focused.

Not sure what to do for the Spanish bulletin board; mind draws a blank.

Otherwise....
Holiday season officially begins.
Today at Mother's around 3. Not sure if David will come or not: Will he be up? And then the allergy issue.
Christmas at Adam's new apartment (Chicago, near Century Mall).

Just not in the spirit, I guess.
Scrooge? Perhaps.
Over the past few years, I've just grown tired of it. Yes, I enjoy the day, but there is an undercurrent of uneasiness. Perhaps due to the duty of the traditional "happiness." It is all just a show.
In truth, it is all so commercialized- stores opening at 4am tomorrow morning. Quite insane.


Identity.
When stripped to the bone, is this who we are?

Who am I?

Sunday

Depression or unhappy?
It is sometimes difficult to tell the difference.

Hallmarks for depression: (Mayo Clinic) Loss of interest in normal daily activities and a depressed mood- sad, helplessness/ hopelessness, crying spells.

How much or how often is the line between.

I think I need a bit of help here.
I am used to riding the line, but when I go too far over- one way or another- that is when the trouble begins.

El mismo

I can have a good day at school, then a bad, then a good..... week ended on a sour note with an argument (student) who tried to rally the class against me. I am really tired of my 8th hour. As much as I enjoy the dynamic, a number of students get on my last nerve.

Stillman Valley HS has a position open for next semester. It is something to think about.... There is something to be said about the "happiness" factor. It is just not there for me. And it is spreading into other aspects of life, or rather, it is mirrored in other aspects.

I will probably just sweat it out and look for something else next year.

Thanksgiving week next week. Thank god it is a short week. Mother is having the dinner this year. I really do not want to do anything, but I will have to go.

Otherwise, just not so good.

Sunday

Forgot about this:
from Monday's paper (Freeport), about student-lead conferences.

---

Otherwise, very sour mood yesterday (all day on sofa) and is fighting me today.

It is the "happiness" conflict.

How long until summer?

Wishful thinking.... it is only November.

Not that things are bad, rather they are unsettling.

I believe that I must put myself in the mindset of the "boring teacher," teaching the material with not much personality. I find that my personality, although conducive to the learning environment, opens the door to undesirable student behavior. Behavior is not necessarily an issue, but can be. The flip is that when I attempt this mindset, I am an angry teacher. I must find a happy medium.

Quiz 5 was a bomb (Spanish I). I pushed the material too fast to fit into the schedule (my schedule). I will reteach next week.

Parent from last week filed a formal complaint. Nick told me not to worry about it- he had already spoken to students in the class and the complaint does not have merit. Still, I find it very bothersome.

Question about my "highly qualified" status. It depends upon how they, the IL board, look at the classes. Either way, I am riding the line, either over or under, of the 36 classes required for status without exam. We shall see.

The "honeymoon" is long past; it will be a very long year.

Sometimes I question my ability:

"Just because I dance around in my underwear, it does not make me Madonna."

---

Three-day weekend (Veteran's Day). A bit of a jump-start on my TTDs on Thursday and Friday, completing just a few things. Still, the list is long.

I MUST get my ass to the gym. Very pathetic state, really. Pants are tighter than ever. Thank god it is sweater weather. I have not idea how I would wear a belt. There is the question of desire though and time.

I have to get review packets done for class. I am a bit ahead in Spanish II, so the time will not really matter. I am about even with the other Spanish I classes. Review for them will eat up some time. Two new students in Spanish I need the instruction anyway.

I promised Spanish Club that I would get the t-shirts done this weekend.

Short-list of things to do around the house. In reality, the list is very,very long.

Holiday decisions. Again, I do not want to do anything and I may just put my foot down this year. So much of a hassle.

---

Kind of melancholy state:
questioning things,
unsettling feelings,
passion is missing from various parts of life.

Could be that this is just the way life is.
Could be that I am ignoring the signs in front of me.
Could be the early signs of a manic or depression to come.

Who knows.

Ditto

Stress continues....
.... but it is over.

Meeting with parent, student, Mr. Swords, and Ms. Nelson over issue that I "announced her grade in class" and embarrassed her.
When it all started, student failing and then caught cheating on exam- she was laughing about it, pissing me off. I stated that she might have passed if she took the class/exam seriously. In addition, I had been trying to get her out of the class for over a month due to no work and behavior issues. Mother demanded an apology. Student never returned to class. Mother upset that I did not apologize (but how could I?); hence, the meeting.
I apologized for breaking student confidentiality, but student did not accept and the mother wanted more. Every point she made, there was a counter-point. At the end, student accused me of treating her different for being black and mother mirrored accusation in district.
I found Swords and Nelson supportive, but mainly neutral.
After meeting, discussion with Swords and Nelson. Everything is fine, although I feel a bit disturbed.

Reflecting on teaching thus far, I have this:
1. I believe I give students every advantage with grades in my class. Still, students who habitually do not do the work or continually perform poorly on assessments, I have a tendency to get a bit mean with these students. I will not take their questions- stating that they did not make the attempt on the work, and they need to try it before they ask me a question. On numerous occasions, I have told students that I will not "spoon-feed" the material to them. They need to make time to see me before or after school if they need help and they need to study.
2. I believe I give students every advantage with behavior issues in my class, giving them more chances and opportunities to change their behavior. Still, in some classes, students' behaviors have become class issues and I have the tendency to punish the whole class. Or, I point out the behavior in class instead of a private discussion.
3. I do not like dealing with parents. Although not always confrontational, my belief in transparency, therefore I do not sugar-coat a situation, meetings can quickly turn sour. Ditto for telephone conversations. A handful of conversations with Wiley and Swords over how I talk to parents.

Perhaps my standards are too high, or my expectations are not at par for this age group. I feel that I am doing my best to teach the majority of my students at a higher level, but with this there must be an acceptable amount of failure or not perform well.

In any event, with other things to consider, I do not believe Freeport is a long-term opportunity for teaching.

As for other things....
Finally, the cool weather of autumn has arrived. It was nice to see the plethora of fall irises, probably the most in years, due to the warmer weather. But the season calls for cooler temperatures, something that has affected the leaf-color changes this year (not so great). Tomorrow will be the last day to mow, or perhaps I will not.

Motivation is still an issue. I just do not have it..... Gym in particular. Desire is just not there, plus I am so tired by the end of the day.... Project around the house as well. Fred is doing a lot of work outside that I, or we, should have done. Inside, a lot of organizational projects need to be addressed.... Holiday season coming soon. I am not looking forward to it at all. Call it a blas`e attitude, but I am not enthused. It is just too much work and a headache.

Once again, I revert to my cycle of life. I have been in this position before. Last year, around this same time, I had a student issue. The season also reverberates habitual ideas and concepts that I am experiencing now.
Tried therapy, tried drugs, but neither seems to work very well. Not that I believe that I am in desperate need, but I really need to understand this cycle. I survive, but it is a struggle: "comfortably uncomfortable" as Dudgeon had said about my life.

What to do?
Well, what I always do: pick my battles and concede on others. True, it may be a passive stance- accepting life, rather than changing it- but it works.

More rants.....

.... in a big way this week.

Thought I would be nice and have the quarter exam as a small-group assessment. Stress was really high the day before. Caught students cheating during the exam and students were talking about the exam to those who had not taken it. Individual retakes the day after- students understood; whereas, parents did not. Returning calls and one parent visit.
Parent visit of student who is way too competitive. She has over 100% anyway. They do not like the "group assessment" format. Plus, they are teachers in the district. The competitive nature is important in education, but can be so unattractive when one thinks he or she is better than others or will not help others.

So, instead of a semi-weekend for me, I am stuck grading exams. Getting really tired of this. Really tired..... at least I mowed the lawn before the first potential for heavy frost/ freeze.

Bad students also a problem this week: rude, disrespectful, liars, defiant. Sad that it seems to be the same three girls week-in week-out. Parent contacted. Hopefully, they will be removed.

The coming week: Dia de los muertos fiesta on Wednesday; parent conferences begin on Thursday.

After that, heavy on the curriculum. The student had it easy last week and this week with very little new material. Need to crack the whip.

Just ranting.....

Really, just not enough time to get things done. True, procrastination continues and my time-management skills need to be honed, but I have come to realize that it is more than this.

Time is just not on my side: Too much to do and the clock ticks faster and faster. With the plates spinning, there is bound to be a crash.

A desire to adhere to a schedule is strong, but with conflict. I am just so tired, and "vegging out" on the sofa becomes much more desirable.

Laziness, perhaps. Not that I wish to make excuses, but I am really tired.

This week:
Equity Summit (Equity sculpture by Michael Speller) on Friday during institute day. Not that I am against equity, but these meetings and workshops are directed at the African-American student and I am tired of it. They need to expand to other minority groups, rather than just a mention.
I understand that there is (or was) a race issue in Freeport, and the attorney that went after Rockford started trouble with FSD 145. The result, unlike RPS 205's forced-busing, are these meeting and workshops on the African-American student.
It is not that I do not learn from these activities, in fact I do get a lot out of them. It is the redundancy that bothers me- makes it look more like an "agenda." Things I have learned will be applied to ALL students, not just a particular group.

Student depressed; may be cutting self. Over the past couple of weeks, I have observed her change from an active student to very passive and uncaring. I asked her friend, who at first told me to stay out of it, but later told me of her history of cutting. I emailed her counselor.
I do not know if she is serious or just seeking attention. From what I have heard from other teachers, she is a bit of a "Drama Queen," although I have not observed it.

I do remember my own attempts at demise at her age, starting in junior high. Numerous attempts up through my early-20s. Was it something for attention? Was it something for the emotional pain created by unhappiness? I really do not remember. I do remember a lot of unhappiness due to inner-conflicts, but not really understanding why (realization of being gay).

Behind in grading; big stack of quizzes. Items from last week still not entered into the system- and seem to be missing quizzes from Spanish II (probably left in the class).
Department tells me to do it all scantron to save time, but to me, "selecting" and "matching" does not demonstrate real knowledge (as defined by Blooms taxonomies). True, grading would take less time, and perhaps, because of time issues, I should really consider it. But as I stated, I do not believe it will reflect real knowledge. Perhaps I expect too much from my students in regard to the higher-levels of the taxonomies. Then again, I am tired of the department complaining about how previous Spanish I teachers did not do their job (current Spanish II students not demonstrating what they need to).

Planning Dia de los muertos celebrations. I've made it a class project. Sadly, 8th hour can not keep it together and I took the fiesta away on Monday. Friday, after a decent week in class, I announced that we could discuss having the party on Monday.
A parent of one of my students does not want child to participate in activity due to "celebration of death." Requested advise from counselor.

Spanish club activity of paper-mache maracas. Paper mache finished, with various degrees of success. I believe that I may need to go over a few of them. Next week is painting.

Otherwise, OK.... As much as I enjoy the job, I believe this will be year-only: The drive is affecting me; the pay and insurance is not where I need it to be; the district "agenda" bothers me; my department is a bunch of back-stabbers.
During the holiday break, I will need to get portfolio together. I am not looking forward to another summer last this past one (job search).

At home....
I need to get my ass to the gym. Getting fat; pants a bit tight, uncomfortable.
Again, there are numerous issues: procrastination, time, tiredness. I paid my Bally membership through December. Seems like a waste when I am not using it.
Almost 20 years with the membership and nothing to show for it.

Not that it is ever too late, but I will be 40 in a few years. I really need to get this together.

David and I continue on the same path.
General stress continues to affect the situation. Not that he is helping matters at all. We continue to move along, ignoring trouble when it confronts us.
Some days, I just follow the status quo. Other days, I want to discuss what is going on, but I know that what may come will not be good.
I just do not know what to do.

Autumn continues.... still, a bit of "indian summer" hanging around (70s again this weekend). Probably last time mowing yard, but maybe one more.
Another set of issues when I look at the yard and am confronted by what I did not do and realize that next summer will be a huge mess.
It could be, once again, I've created a situation that it bigger than I can handle.

With so many project to do around the house, it is just so overwhelming. What to do?
Not to mention the financial issues. There is the thought that David needs to sell the house (it comes up every once in a while), but then again I think it is a bad idea. I like the house, although I find it very symbolic of our relationship, and has potential. And the market is very soft. If David were to sell, there is so much to do to prep it for sale, financially, it would not be worth it. He would lose a lot of money. The house would have to be perfect, spending a ton of money, to get what it may be worth.

Still no word from Susi (three weeks now?). I hope that she is just busy enjoying herself too much to spend time at an internet cafe. Perhaps her classes are a bit too much for her, or a bit of trouble with her daughter. I hope there is no issue with Antonio (although, I would not be surprised).

Still, I am thinking that David may have blocked her email from my aol account. I believe, it is probable, he did set up some-sort of spy ware on my laptop.
It is a cat and mouse game. I must admit that my on-line activities are not always respectful of our relationship, but it does transcend into reality. Whatever he knows, he knows.
I imagine he does the same.

Weekend list of things to do (after procrastinating for nearly four hours):
Lawn, car, grading and upload grades, lessons, make exams, Dia de los muertos presentation, seating charts, Spanish club, newsletters, laundry, ironing, schedules, working TBG (Sunday), financials, pick up house, and prep for next week.

Life gets in the way.....

It really does not matter what I want to do/ what desires I may have, rights and responsibilities always seem to supersede- block the path and move me to a different direction.

Productive day yesterday: lawn, tied-up the small trees, re-potted indoor plants, Spanish club stuff, and completed 90% of lesson plans.
Still, no gym and grades not finished.

Today, need to finish up lesson plans, get grades in, do laundry, ironing, and prep for week.
No gym today either.

I need to work on work on time-management; tighten-up the clock; discard things that get in the way.

Week otherwise went well:
Continued with curriculum in Spanish II. We just began new material. I anticipate difficulties to come.
Review of AR verbs in Spanish I all week. Somewhat disappointed that some students are just not studying. I told them that we are moving on this week and a few of them will be left behind.
Both classes have quiz 4 this week, and next week is the quarterly exam.
In addition, announced fiesta for El dia de los muertos. We shall see how this goes before I schedule another one.
Tutoring will begin next quarter- Mondays and Wednesdays.

Equity Conference on Friday (Institute Day).
I am getting really tired of the "agenda" of the district. I understand that the district decided on this route, versus fighting the claim of discrimination/ disenfranchisement (and ending up like Rockford: forced-busing), but it is obvious that the agenda points to/ highlights the African-American students rather than minorities in general.
I noticed it during new teacher orientation, and now since I have attended a couple of these conferences, I see what is going on.
Sad, among other things, this agenda could be a factor in staying with the district next year.

Student conferences begin on 01 November. I am not very enthused, as it seems like more work than I wish to offer.

I have not heard from Susi for a couple of weeks. I hope everything is OK. I assume she is just too busy with classes and having fun in Sevilla.

12 October was the day Columbus "discovered" the Americas. I assume big celebrations in Spain.

Otherwise, need to crack the whip and get work done.
Ciao!

Long Weekend; Anniversary

Columbus Day weekend- no school Monday.

Christopher Columbus "discovered" America. As I told my students, you can not discover somewhere where other people exist. His voyages began the exploration of this half of the world, where cultures were already thriving, leading to the European colonization of the Americas and eventual permanent settlements, leading to conquest.
We, as Americans, should be grateful to him for his explorations, but to celebrate his "discovery" is a bit exaggerated.

Classes this week: good and bad- mostly in the middle somewhere. Sad that I was looking forward to the weekend.
Friday, "treat day" for teachers. I made lasagnas, bread, fudge, and carrot cake. Everyone on the team made a lot of food. Nice to see it was all pretty much gone by the end of the day. It was pointed out that I was actually on the wrong "treat team," so I will be doing it again in January.
Quiz 3 for my classes on Friday as well. I gave my students the study guide on Monday, thinking that they would take the advantage. Sadly, grades thus far are par to course- those what always do well, performed better, whereas those who do poorly demonstrated the same.
Spanish Club social activity (movie) on Thursday. We watched Curious George in Spanish (English subtitles). Activity went well. Students organized and sane and watched the movie. I was able to get a bit of work done. Clean up was no problem.
No meeting with Swords about my observation (last week). I assume everything was fine.
Some student issues, but typical of the age. Being more than a month into the school year, I would think that the students know my expectations of reactions to particular behaviors. A few students are at the 5th step already- instant referrals. Funny how some of most problematic are very good students, whereas those tanking the class are quiet.
Need to get ideas going for "Dia de los muertos" (Nov. 1 & 2- Thursday and Friday). I have a project for Spanish Club- skull maracas, but nothing for my classes. I will do a cultural presentation on one of the days. I am thinking a fiesta is appropriate for the other, but I will have to see.
Otherwise, I am still behind in coursework, comparative to the classes across the street. Quarter ends in a couple of weeks. I need to come up with some assessment, using the department exam as a guide. Particularly with my 8th graders, I will not rush through material for the sake of the schedule. I know that I need to pick up the pace, but I will not place my students at a disadvantage. Of course, I must concede eventually and acknowledge that some students just do not study the material.

Fall irises blooming (white).
"Indian Summer" began Thursday, and the 80s will continue through Monday. Staying in the 60s at night.
Lots of work to do in the gardens- long list of things not completed over the summer. Hope to get at least two beds cleaned out this weekend.

Mom returned from Monroe (visiting grandma). I guess she is not doing so well. Too me, it sounds like she is becoming more affected by age, not necessarily by illness or lack of capacities, with aches and pains. Her mind is sharp. I have not noticed anything when I speak with her on the phone. Perhaps we will go down over Thanksgiving.

Anniversary weekend. Ten years.
What can be said; what has already been said. What defines "love" and what does not?
Happiness is a relative term; There is something to be said about history and companionship.

To David:

To think of my task is chilling.
To know i was carefully building the mask i was wearing for two years, swearing i'd tear it off.
I've sat in the dark explaining to myself that i'm straining too hard for feelings i ought to find easily.
Called myself jezebel.
I don't believe.

Before i say that the vows we made weigh like a stone in my heart.
Family is family, don't let this tear us apart.

You lie there, an innocent baby.
I feel like the thief who is raiding your home, entering and breaking and taking in every room.
I know your feelings are tender and that inside you the embers still glow.
But i'm a shadow, i'm only a bed of blackened coal.
Call myself jezebel for wanting to leave.

I'm not saying i'm replacing love for some other word to describe the sacred tie that bound me to you.
I'm just saying we've mistaken one for thousands of words.
And for that mistake, i've caused you such pain that i damn that word.
I've no more ways to hide that i'm a desolate and empty, hollow place inside.

I'm not saying i'm replacing love for some other word to describe the sacred tie that bound me to you.
I'm not saying love's a plaything.
No, it's a powerful word, inspired by strong desire to bind myself to you.
How i wish that we never had tried to be man and his wife, to weave our lives into a blindfold over both our eyes.

Jezebel, 10,000 Maniacs, Our Time in Eden (1992)

I hate this mode.
There are things I want to do, things I know I should do, but there is a lack of strength and desire.
I must realize that I am not getting any younger, that David and I are not necessarily happy people, and that, eventually, I will look back on life with many regrets.
So I need to choose a direction and just move forward, without hesitation or procrastination.

Unlike today, with already three hours wasted.
I need to get moving......