Not so angry this week..... who knows.
I fly off the handle so much, I have really lost track of what is truly important and what is just drama.
David and I still the same.
Return to schedule with Dudgeon. I will ask David to go eventually.
I told Denise what is going on.
Doctor visit somewhat successful. Off the Chantix, but still NOT SMOKING. Now on Prevacid for reflux (get it at night, very frightening) and Klonopin for anger management/ mood control..... Enjoying the Klonopin, but I think I take too much.
Appointment in a couple of weeks.
Kind of back to my regular schedule, rather, back to my over-schedule. Too much on my plate once again.... grading and midterm letters.
Also, no job at Flinn next year. Recently received district letter stating no interest from other schools during the first round..... Need to get applications done, but takes so much time. And then will have to confront possibility of move.
Garden green. Lots of weeds.
Can look so beautiful. Sad that it has become a place for anger, loneliness, and resentment.
Not sure what to do with it now.
29.4.07
21.4.07
Just Angry
Really......
Bad week. Everything/ everybody is on the shit list.
No job prospects.
Current job (students) on my nerves.
Had enough of TBG.
Fat, sick, tired.
Fight with David.
I think the phrase "two-days past happy" applies here.
End of 4th week smoke-free.
Just stay out of my way.
14.4.07
What is not working....
A number of things just not in sync.
Procrastination is HUGE.
More off than on concerning the gym. Procrastination mostly, but a bit more.
A few times ago, realized that I am at that age/ aesthetic of "invisible." Hit hard..... Reminded me of Sevilla, when the API guy said I was too old to study abroad (just a jerk to me in general) and I pursued the guy he was after (rather aggressively.... feria). Very easy, really. Ironic how this guy fell for another American, one who I though was way below league..... Anyway, that "invisibleness" was a slap in the face.
Job is in flux. The district is cutting out 6th grade art, so my job is gone at the end of the year.
Rundal would like me in Zachary's job, but Zachary needs to give his notice- which he may or may not, depending on if he finds another position in the district. He seems not to be in a hurry and was a bit smug about his "seniority."
I have a bit of time before a panic sets in, although I feel a bit uncomfortable. The responsible thing would be to send out resumes to the outlying districts. But that means a portfolio overhaul, which I really do not want to do and have procrastinated since the winter break.
Union rules gives seniority the most weight, over choice of the principal. We will see.
I am not looking forward to cleaning out my room come June.
After our discussion last Friday, David and I have not returned to the topic.
Things have returned to normal, rather, not changed at all. Not that I want some big change.
He knows how I feel, so at least it is out there.
Topic will return in a couple of weeks.
Monday will begin the 4th week of being totally smoke-free.
Moody, but not so bad. Tired.
I decided that not smoking is more important than other things, so as my metabolism changes and I devour the jellybeans, I am not all that concerned about weight.
I am concerned about my skin, as this begins the second month of no meds due to liver concerns (long time antibiotic usage- 20 years?). Acne and follicular infections are prevalent, but I can not take anything until results improve. No supplements either.
So, not feeling any sort of attractiveness.... acne, wrinkles, hair loss, weight gain....
No wonder I feel invisible.
Procrastination is HUGE.
More off than on concerning the gym. Procrastination mostly, but a bit more.
A few times ago, realized that I am at that age/ aesthetic of "invisible." Hit hard..... Reminded me of Sevilla, when the API guy said I was too old to study abroad (just a jerk to me in general) and I pursued the guy he was after (rather aggressively.... feria). Very easy, really. Ironic how this guy fell for another American, one who I though was way below league..... Anyway, that "invisibleness" was a slap in the face.
Job is in flux. The district is cutting out 6th grade art, so my job is gone at the end of the year.
Rundal would like me in Zachary's job, but Zachary needs to give his notice- which he may or may not, depending on if he finds another position in the district. He seems not to be in a hurry and was a bit smug about his "seniority."
I have a bit of time before a panic sets in, although I feel a bit uncomfortable. The responsible thing would be to send out resumes to the outlying districts. But that means a portfolio overhaul, which I really do not want to do and have procrastinated since the winter break.
Union rules gives seniority the most weight, over choice of the principal. We will see.
I am not looking forward to cleaning out my room come June.
After our discussion last Friday, David and I have not returned to the topic.
Things have returned to normal, rather, not changed at all. Not that I want some big change.
He knows how I feel, so at least it is out there.
Topic will return in a couple of weeks.
Monday will begin the 4th week of being totally smoke-free.
Moody, but not so bad. Tired.
I decided that not smoking is more important than other things, so as my metabolism changes and I devour the jellybeans, I am not all that concerned about weight.
I am concerned about my skin, as this begins the second month of no meds due to liver concerns (long time antibiotic usage- 20 years?). Acne and follicular infections are prevalent, but I can not take anything until results improve. No supplements either.
So, not feeling any sort of attractiveness.... acne, wrinkles, hair loss, weight gain....
No wonder I feel invisible.
9.4.07
Words
Music Video Codes by VideoCure
There's too much
That I keep
To myself
And I turn my back on my faith
It's like glass
When we break
I wish no one in my place
And I've seen
You don't need their scenes
When the cut
Goes in deep
And I'm lost in sleep
I can't stay
In this place
I can't stand
When the room turns round
On my fate
You give no guarantees
There's no promise
I can keep
I can't stand
I can't see my way
I feel blind
On my feet
I can't stay too long
Am I wrong?
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
I'm so tired
Of my mood
And sleep comes
With a knife, fork and a spoon
You're so pale
In your face
You let life
Get in your way
And I've seen
You don't need their scenes
When the cut goes in deep
And I'm lost in sleep
Am I wrong?
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
There's too much
That I keep
To myself
And I turn my back on my faith
It's like glass
When we break
I wish no one in my place
And I've seen
You don't need their scenes
When the cut
Goes in deep
And I'm lost in sleep
I can't stay
In this place
I can't stand
When the room turns round
On my fate
You give no guarantees
There's no promise
I can keep
I can't stand
I can't see my way
I feel blind
On my feet
I can't stay too long
Am I wrong?
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
I'm so tired
Of my mood
And sleep comes
With a knife, fork and a spoon
You're so pale
In your face
You let life
Get in your way
And I've seen
You don't need their scenes
When the cut goes in deep
And I'm lost in sleep
Am I wrong?
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
Goodbye, Lay the blame on luck
8.4.07
Easter
It really ticks me off that I can not remember how to spell Easter in Spanish.... la pasqua or la pascua? Kudos to you, David, for taking this, among other things, away from me.
Yes, angry, and not smoking.... nearly two weeks now.... can you tell?
In any event, all week I have relived the smell of the incense and the flowers and the walking and the waiting in my mind, wishing to experience it again.
Trouble is brewing.... an internal silent war, that will eventually surface. A bit showed through on Friday, as David and I talked about our relationship. I've grown tired of the facade and finally stated that we need to define what we are, not what we pretend to be. So, we will see.
It did not get mean or nasty. He has not said much since, but it has only been a couple of days.
He is blogging again, his "news"..... what bothers me is the 'victim' position he takes. He starts off with how he is feeling or listing symptoms- this is what really gets on my nerves. STOP GETTING EVERYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. We all know that you are sick.
I have been struggling with this ME vs. WE thing.... How much of the ME have I lost/ given up for the WE? How long is fair to hold resentment? How long is fair to hold guilt?
Just a bad patch at the moment.
I need change.
Yes, angry, and not smoking.... nearly two weeks now.... can you tell?
In any event, all week I have relived the smell of the incense and the flowers and the walking and the waiting in my mind, wishing to experience it again.
Trouble is brewing.... an internal silent war, that will eventually surface. A bit showed through on Friday, as David and I talked about our relationship. I've grown tired of the facade and finally stated that we need to define what we are, not what we pretend to be. So, we will see.
It did not get mean or nasty. He has not said much since, but it has only been a couple of days.
He is blogging again, his "news"..... what bothers me is the 'victim' position he takes. He starts off with how he is feeling or listing symptoms- this is what really gets on my nerves. STOP GETTING EVERYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. We all know that you are sick.
I have been struggling with this ME vs. WE thing.... How much of the ME have I lost/ given up for the WE? How long is fair to hold resentment? How long is fair to hold guilt?
Just a bad patch at the moment.
I need change.
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