I Have Myself to Blame

Stress is bad this week, particularly with work..... No job on the horizon. One would think that with Zachary's job open, my principal would have come to me personally if he wanted me in the position. Alas, no. When I filled out the in-house transfer, he put a note in my mailbox telling me that I needed to wait until the next district communicator..... Advice from a number of people, but mixed messages. I have to assume (as well as how I feel) that he is just not happy with me, so I will have to wait and see.
If no in-district job offers, I will have to look elsewhere, which means that this summer will be shot- updating resumes, intro letters, and portfolio (was I not suppose to do this during winter break?- procrastination bites me in the ass once again).

Feet are heavily planted in this mood. Will take some time to adjust. Lots of anger.

Otherwise, things are the same: No change. Static.

Things to try to be happy about..... and what my reactions are:
Irises and poppies blooming (peonies starting)....... but lots of work to do in the garden.
End of school year (06/05)...... but no job, behavior issues on the rise, and lots of cleanup to do.
Return to the gym..... seems to be a lost cause (physical aesthetics).

There is an inner conflict brewing.....

I've tried different ways

But it's all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame

Tired and tired and more tired.... Eventually, this will kill me.

Another long week.

Worked in the yard all day yesterday- weeded garden beds, took care of a pile of branches, and mowed the lawn.
Sara was a big help.
Body hurts just a bit.
Still work to do in the beds- but not today.

Today, errands and preparing for next week.

I hate being the type of teacher who counts down to the end, but only 9 full days left: Full week, then 4 day week, then institute and the final day of classes (Tuesday the 5th, a half day).
Classes are behind with the project- their only major project; comparative to 2nd quarter who had two- mostly due to behavior issues. It may reflect on my classroom management, but I just get tired of "fighting" with particular students, so I assign text work (quiet time- no studio) for the class.
Some of the projects are quite amazing.

Who knows about next year. I think this quarter, perhaps, has changed his mind about next year (a few of not-so-positive conversations). I've already begun bringing boxes home. It does not matter anyway, as the job would only be for a year. RPS 205 is cutting 6th grade art next year, then 7th and 8th the following year, so the job would only be for a year.
It is a bit upsetting that I only received one call this past round (Spanish at Auburn). Never talked to them, rather played phone tag for a week. Perhaps they received on the teachers from Spain.

So, it looks like my summer will be spent looking for a job, as was last summer. I have looked a bit- there are jobs out there; some near, some far. I plan to take a day over the long weekend to get it going.
Next round for RPS is 11 June.

Nothing much changed otherwise.
Still feeling 'blah,' perhaps sinking (not spiraling). Thinking I am going to ask Dr. D for his current assessment and talk to Dr. Goldstein for medication. I really do not want to return to that, but need to get off this roller coaster.

What you see is not always the truth

Life is as it is..... a facade.

With spring, I am working in the garden a lot (weeds, defining edges, etc.) Irises have begun to bloom. The dwarfs are just about finished, intermediates are just starting, giants have another week or so.
Jacks are up, bleeding hearts, may apples, wild ginger.
Not moving much around (yet), but have some plans.
It is nice to see David doing a bit of work outside, and/or at least enjoying what is in the gardens. Still, it is sad that the gardens have come to represent my anger, isolation, and personal grief.
Where ever you see a beautiful garden, you will find a very lonely person.
It is one of those contrasting issues in my life.... I enjoy working in the gardens, but then again I hate it. It is really so much work, nearly too much for just one person to do. And there are days I can take it or leave it; again, another definition of me (all or nothing).

Funny how Dr. D said the same thing at my latest appointment. Next appointment when school ends.


I feel the cat and mouse game.
I have a feeling that David is peeking at my laptop to see what I am doing online.
Sara said something interesting- something about how David knows me, assumes things. In addition, she agreed that David, probably, has taken a peek. He did set up the laptop for me. I wonder if he stuck in a little spyware.
I find myself at that line of loyalty and disloyalty.
I found a few "friend" websites and chat quite a bit. Sometimes the conversations turn, and in truth, I enjoy the "game." I hesitate to ever repeat what happened in Sevilla, but it is an easy line to cross (rather, it can be). Has it been crossed already? Probably, in a minor faction.
Like in Sevilla, David assumed I was cheating before it ever happened- so, since he thought it anyway- I thought why the hell not?

As for David and I, nothing has changed. Same old thing, really.
I thought about sitting down with him and making some real decisions about our life- but I decided that now is not the time, nor do I know what I would say since I really do not know.
I know that we could never return to the emotional state we shared in the beginning. At least, I do not feel that way anymore.
The love has changed into something else. Jezebel, by 10,000 Maniacs:

To think of my task is chilling.
To know I was carefully building the mask I was wearing for two years, swearing I'd tear it off.
I've sat in the dark explaining to myself that I'm straining too hard for feelings I ought to find easily.
Called myself Jezebel.
I don't believe.

Before I say that the vows we made weigh like a stone in my heart.
Family is family, don't let this tear us apart.

You lie there, an innocent baby.
I feel like the thief who is raiding your home, entering and breaking and taking in every room.
I know your feelings are tender and that inside you the embers still glow.
But I'm a shadow, I'm only a bed of blackened coal.
Call myself Jezebel for wanting to leave.

I'm not saying I'm replacing love for some other word to describe the sacred tie that bound me to you.
I'm just saying we've mistaken one for thousands of words.
And for that mistake, I've caused you such pain that I damn that word.
I've no more ways to hide that I'm a desolate and empty, hollow place inside.

I'm not saying I'm replacing love for some other word to describe the sacred tie that bound me to you.
I'm not saying love's a plaything.
No, it's a powerful word, inspired by strong desire to bind myself to you.
How I wish that we never had tried to be man and his wife, to weave our lives into a blindfold over both our eyes.

As for other things-

Stress test came out fine, which, to me, means that the pain comes from within.... I wanted something 'wrong,' rather, I needed something wrong to have an excuse.
Smoking again. I will return to Chantix when the quarter ends.
Liver is back to normal, so I can go back to the antibiotics for my skin with liver tests.

Planning on going to the gym this week- went this morning.
A few of the guys I chat with go to Ballys. It would be nice to have someone to work out with on occasion. It would be nice to have a group of FRIENDS. (Getting tired of Sara once again.) And with this, I say "screw David and his insecurities." Still, he has reason to worry (relationship flux).

Nothing on the job front. I hope to hear something soon. I believe the 20th is the day for this round of placement. If nothing this round, will need to finish online applications. Calls already from Elgin and Aurora.
Mr. Zachary asked me if I was interested in his job. I told him it was up to Mr. Rundall.
And to be honest, I am having a very difficult time this quarter, particularly with my afternoon classes. On Tuesday, Ms. Trinkle relieved me for a bit so I could take a walk, as 4th hour was, and is, a mess of a class. Spoke with Mr. Rundall about it. Mr. Richardson spoke to my 4th hour on Friday- telling them that each student has a right to a good education. Those that hinder the process will be taken out. At least, I have that to fall back on..... In these classes, I find myself becoming the teacher I do not want to be- very authoritarian. Some parent meetings (mid-quarter reports).
Do I really want these students again?

So, flux continues:
Relationships
Career
Health
Financial
Personal

Can someone just stop the ride?..... I want to get off.

These are days....

Mood is up and down; mostly down.
Waiting for finger of God to strike.

New communicator out- hope to find a job this round. Art job at Eisenhower (.6) is first choice. Other positions in Spanish and social studies. If I do not land a job this round, will need to get serious about resumes..... procrastination since winter break will become a slap in the face.

School is a bit unsettling. Students are just not keeping it together. I find myself angry, becoming the teacher I wish not to be.

David and I are as we are. Saw Dr. Dudgeon..... I am hearing things I already know/ have heard before. Not quite sure what to do, so I do nothing (as usual).

Sara here yesterday to help with the garden- seasonal friend? Perhaps.

Monday, doctor appts.

Feel like trouble is brewing a bit. Not sure if the pot will explode.