Stupid Game

End of the school year...... Friday was the last full day: classes in the morning, activities in the afternoon. After lunch I finished cleaning out my room, packed up the car, and began final grades. Instituted day on Monday, with a staff grill-out. Tuesday, just a couple of hours. And then that's it- end of my first year of teaching.
Success or failure?.... Yet to see if I am hired back (social studies position open), but I get the feeling I will not. Who knows.
Another hiring round in the district. Not much offered, really, and a bit upset that there are jobs listed from the previous round that I applied for. Makes me wonder if Rundall received any calls- and what did he say, and what may be in my file downtown.
So, it looks like I may be looking for a job this summer. Not a very happy prospect.

So, once school is out, what is the plan?
I believe it revolves around my internal conflicts of self-worth-
Job is priority. I hate the thought of a late-summer hire, but this may be the case, and I may have to commute.... David said something about the house- not being able to buy new things (used and reconditioned has been the general par) and how he is waiting for me to find a job.... Perhaps there is a move in the cards.
Gardens must be attended to. Phase one, cleaning out and weeding, is not finished. Plus, I still have seeds. Rabbits are becoming a bit of a problem (eating plants). Question of "slimming" it all down continues to circle my mind, but, if anything, the gardens have a nice footprint in the yard (public and private spaces).... The transplanted peonies, from Peggy, look nice, although not all of them bloomed.... I need to rethink the plan- which takes money and reverts back to needing a job.
House needs attention, if not desperate attention.... I concur with David. We need new things. We need to finish this house, if for us or for sale. This house may never be what it should/ could be.... Again, reverts to the need of a job.
David and I.... things are the same. His statement of our relationship as a "mature love" may have some weight. There is loyalty, commitment, companionship, and comfort (all to varying degrees). I just wish we were 'happy,' whatever that is supposed to be.
Gym, another need for desperate attention. This is more about procrastination and time management, although desire plays a big part (comes and goes).... And then there is the psychological- I know I feel better when I go to the gym regularly, but do I deserve to feel better? The whole self-image factor can be summed-up here.... I just feel old and tired.
TBG, which is not desirable, but it is a job and I need a job. I really do not like waiting tables anymore, but it is quick cash.... Need to figure out my summer schedule.

Playing the love-hate game..... that which I need to do v. that which I want to do.
In the end, resentment overrides any accomplishment. If I get what I want, I feel that I do not deserve it; whereas if I don't get it, I know I don't.