Classes began yesterday (half-day); Full week next week.... Seems like a good group. I anticipate a couple of problems (chatters), but not so bad. Classroom is not completely finished, but it is fine for now. Very humid in the room. I believe there may be a mold issue. I met the foreign-language department. Generally OK, although there is a bit of back-stabbing. My mentor is a know-it-all; socially inept, a personality conflict between us. Lesson plans to do.
Car is still of concern. I will have to get another one soon. It will be a very busy day when it finally breaks-down. When I drive, I am always glancing at the gauges and clock (if clock goes out, I know I have a problem on my hands). I've pretty much decided on the Scion xD. I believe it is within budget. I want to wait until next paycheck (31st), and hope to put down $1000 to lower monthly payments. It is a bit small (too small to pack-up), but enough for a short trip.
Sadly, I believe, with the car, my financial situation will not improve..... Truth be told, the salary and insurance at this district may limit this position to one-year only. The schedule may also get tiresome (leave around 6am; return after 4pm).
Spa this past Monday- great day.
Otherwise.... 1. Procrastination still a factor. I get a bust of energy (mental energy), get things done, then tired. Went to gym this morning. 2. Menchaca's upcoming semester abroad has brought another flood of memories. I must go back for a visit. 3. Lots of rain- souring the mood.
Teacher orientation is over. Most of the time spent in meetings, with some time in the school (set up classroom). Lots of information, lots to remember. Met with my mentor on Thursday (less-than-desirable). I still have a couple of things to do for the district, finish my room up, and create first-week plans. Next week, I am going in on Tuesday, perhaps with Nancy, to finish up room. Institute days on Wednesday and Thursday. First day, half-day, on Friday. Overall, I have been quite pleased with the orientation.
Menchaca, one of the Spanish teachers from Guilford, was at one of my tables at TBG on Wednesday. She told me she is going to Sevilla via API with her daughter; I found out they are staying with Ana and Antonio via email. We met this AM to discuss her trip. A flood of memories. I would really like to go back next year. It will be five years in 2008. Although I believe enough time has passed, I believe some of the pain remains.
David and I have had a couple of conversations this week: My car died on Monday (yes, first day of orientation) and it took three hours to get back to Rockford. So I have to get another car. House conversation: keep, sell, rent? To me, since it is his house, it is ultimately his decision. Finances will be the topic for September, as I figure out was my regular checks will be. Car will be priority. I need to save some money for retirement, and also for Spain. Pay down credit card and school loans. Decisions on my share of living expenses, above the bi-weekly shopping.
So, it is the end of my summer.... Lots of things left undone/ unfinished. Habit of procrastination; "Wants" went unfulfilled. Seems to be the same story over and over. Change. I need change.
Orientation next week; excited, nervous. Most of all, I just want the year to begin. 8 to 4, M-F. It will be a long week. Following week: institute days on Wednesday and Thursday; first day, 1/2 day, Friday.
My classroom is 90% finished. Have a few things left to do: display areas. I have them all drawn out. I just have to make the artifacts. Debating a couple of purchases. Not really in the position to do so, as all of my RSP205 money is now spent (but it did last through the beginning of August). Very hot on Wednesday. The walls 'sweat,' so nothing sticks, not even using the gorilla tape. Nick, the assistant principal, told me to use hot glue. Interesting.
David's grandmother passed away on Sunday night; funeral Thursday. Family arguments about money, mainly stemming from Tina, and Fred was not mentioned in the obituary. She was in charge of planning the events, spending money before speaking with David and Denise, then asking for funds. David caved-in a bit at the end, paying for a few things. I assume Denise and Fred may have done the same. I did not know her at all, meeting her once or twice in ten years. I believe David spent more time with my grandmother in Louisiana, than with his own nearly around the corner.
Thursday, after the visitation, I raced to the city for ink work. Color on the arm. This work hurt a bit, and I am still feeling a bit of pain. I believe I do have some sort of reaction to the ink. Perhaps body is just getting a bit old for all of the stress. Tim is booked through the New Year.
So my summer is over; transition as one brief chapter beginning, with another just to begin. Looking back, I find myself, once again, with the realization that nothing much was accomplished over this span of time. A bit of panic, a bit of remorse, when confronted with unfinished projects. Mainly, it is just a slap in the face. I can plan and make the lists, but it all comes down to desire, and then procrastination.
Again, I feel it is time to reorganize and attempt to reset my life with some order and responsibility. This never-ending cycle of on-again off-again behavior is tiresome. I truly hate how my direction and being is so dependent upon outside factors.
I should not sit around and wait for change; I must create it.
In any event, procrastination looms; I do one thing to avoid something else.
Negative belief system: Defeating self-talk creates a lack of confidence. I feel that I do not deserve the outcome of what I want to do. Poor self-motivation: Loss of desire. Things become "have-to," rather than "want to." Who knows what I want anymore. Unrealistic expectations: If I put forth effort, I expect a particular outcome (contrast to negative belief). Setting the achievement bar a bit high is knowingly self-defeating, so I am setting myself up for failure. Personal problems: Various, spanning all aspects of life. Really tired of bitching and moaning about it. Again, if I want change, I must make it happen. Fear and anxiety: Fear of change, anxiety due to thoughts of change. "Feel the fear and do it anyway."
Like now- with things to do, instead I am here blogging.
End of summer is near: gardens a mess, no regular gym schedule, areas of the house never attended to.... Yesterday, worked in the basement (cleaning) for most of the day to get things together for my classroom. Will continue today.
I hope to get into my classroom on Monday, to at least start things moving.
What is on my plate? (I hate that I am so list-orientated. It is a setup for failure- been here before.)
1. Mental: lots of self-hatred and "stinking thinking", leading to a number of problems affecting all other areas. 2. Physical: Desire is just not there. When it is, it becomes obsessive and unrealistic goal setting is the par. Hate getting older. 3. Family: Same as it has been for a number of years- safety in the monotony. David and I will be together 10 years in October. I just wish we were happy. I have accepted his CFS condition, but still have a difficult time accepting the life-style affects. Unhappiness has lead into areas that I know would be very ill-advised. 4. Social: Still no friends, other than Sara, who gets on my nerves. Other friendships have gone by the wayside. 5. Spiritual: Not existent. Volunteer work, a goal for the summer, did not come to pass. 6. Career: Early stages, unsettling. Feel a bit old to be a newbie. 7. Financial: Still a bit of a mess. Money is the root of various personal issues of worth.
I have not seen Dr. D. in a while. Not sure he really does much to help, other than allowing me to vent. He says the same things I have heard before, scaffolding/ reiterating things I already know or have realized in my life. It is moving from words to action that creates the problem.... feeling the fear. There is no accountability.
So what to do? Really think about what I want in my life.
1. Mental: I need to feel better with my life as it is or make changes to alleviate current condition. 2. Physical: Dedicate to a set of realistic goals concerning the gym; come to terms with age (and the changes therein). 3. Family: Stop accepting this passive arrangement; Confront issues; Open discussion of current situation; Decide what I want as "me" and "we." 4. Social: Become more social in the community. 5. Spiritual: Get involved in community organizations. 6. Career: Accept this stage as it is; Set goals for future employment with educational goals in mind. 7. Financial: Responsible decisions; Accept that job at TBG is still needed; Revive art career; Create savings and retirement accounts.
This is the place I am at right now. A return, really.
Classes began yesterday (half-day); Full week next week.... Seems like a good group. I anticipate a couple of problems (chatters), but not so bad.
I've pretty much decided on the Scion xD. I believe it is within budget. I want to wait until next paycheck (31st), and hope to put down $1000 to lower monthly payments.
I hope the week goes well, on various levels.
