Summer pt. 9

Again, I feel it is time to reorganize and attempt to reset my life with some order and responsibility. This never-ending cycle of on-again off-again behavior is tiresome. I truly hate how my direction and being is so dependent upon outside factors.

I should not sit around and wait for change; I must create it.

In any event, procrastination looms;
I do one thing to avoid something else.

Negative belief system: Defeating self-talk creates a lack of confidence. I feel that I do not deserve the outcome of what I want to do.
Poor self-motivation: Loss of desire. Things become "have-to," rather than "want to." Who knows what I want anymore.
Unrealistic expectations: If I put forth effort, I expect a particular outcome (contrast to negative belief). Setting the achievement bar a bit high is knowingly self-defeating, so I am setting myself up for failure.
Personal problems: Various, spanning all aspects of life. Really tired of bitching and moaning about it. Again, if I want change, I must make it happen.
Fear and anxiety: Fear of change, anxiety due to thoughts of change. "Feel the fear and do it anyway."

Like now- with things to do, instead I am here blogging.

End of summer is near: gardens a mess, no regular gym schedule, areas of the house never attended to.... Yesterday, worked in the basement (cleaning) for most of the day to get things together for my classroom. Will continue today.

I hope to get into my classroom on Monday, to at least start things moving.

What is on my plate?
(I hate that I am so list-orientated. It is a setup for failure- been here before.)

1. Mental: lots of self-hatred and "stinking thinking", leading to a number of problems affecting all other areas.
2. Physical: Desire is just not there. When it is, it becomes obsessive and unrealistic goal setting is the par. Hate getting older.
3. Family: Same as it has been for a number of years- safety in the monotony. David and I will be together 10 years in October. I just wish we were happy. I have accepted his CFS condition, but still have a difficult time accepting the life-style affects. Unhappiness has lead into areas that I know would be very ill-advised.
4. Social: Still no friends, other than Sara, who gets on my nerves. Other friendships have gone by the wayside.
5. Spiritual: Not existent. Volunteer work, a goal for the summer, did not come to pass.
6. Career: Early stages, unsettling. Feel a bit old to be a newbie.
7. Financial: Still a bit of a mess. Money is the root of various personal issues of worth.

I have not seen Dr. D. in a while. Not sure he really does much to help, other than allowing me to vent. He says the same things I have heard before, scaffolding/ reiterating things I already know or have realized in my life. It is moving from words to action that creates the problem.... feeling the fear. There is no accountability.

So what to do?
Really think about what I want in my life.

1. Mental: I need to feel better with my life as it is or make changes to alleviate current condition.
2. Physical: Dedicate to a set of realistic goals concerning the gym; come to terms with age (and the changes therein).
3. Family: Stop accepting this passive arrangement; Confront issues; Open discussion of current situation; Decide what I want as "me" and "we."
4. Social: Become more social in the community.
5. Spiritual: Get involved in community organizations.
6. Career: Accept this stage as it is; Set goals for future employment with educational goals in mind.
7. Financial: Responsible decisions; Accept that job at TBG is still needed; Revive art career; Create savings and retirement accounts.

This is the place I am at right now. A return, really.

Something of the ill-advised: