More rants.....

.... in a big way this week.

Thought I would be nice and have the quarter exam as a small-group assessment. Stress was really high the day before. Caught students cheating during the exam and students were talking about the exam to those who had not taken it. Individual retakes the day after- students understood; whereas, parents did not. Returning calls and one parent visit.
Parent visit of student who is way too competitive. She has over 100% anyway. They do not like the "group assessment" format. Plus, they are teachers in the district. The competitive nature is important in education, but can be so unattractive when one thinks he or she is better than others or will not help others.

So, instead of a semi-weekend for me, I am stuck grading exams. Getting really tired of this. Really tired..... at least I mowed the lawn before the first potential for heavy frost/ freeze.

Bad students also a problem this week: rude, disrespectful, liars, defiant. Sad that it seems to be the same three girls week-in week-out. Parent contacted. Hopefully, they will be removed.

The coming week: Dia de los muertos fiesta on Wednesday; parent conferences begin on Thursday.

After that, heavy on the curriculum. The student had it easy last week and this week with very little new material. Need to crack the whip.

Just ranting.....

Really, just not enough time to get things done. True, procrastination continues and my time-management skills need to be honed, but I have come to realize that it is more than this.

Time is just not on my side: Too much to do and the clock ticks faster and faster. With the plates spinning, there is bound to be a crash.

A desire to adhere to a schedule is strong, but with conflict. I am just so tired, and "vegging out" on the sofa becomes much more desirable.

Laziness, perhaps. Not that I wish to make excuses, but I am really tired.

This week:
Equity Summit (Equity sculpture by Michael Speller) on Friday during institute day. Not that I am against equity, but these meetings and workshops are directed at the African-American student and I am tired of it. They need to expand to other minority groups, rather than just a mention.
I understand that there is (or was) a race issue in Freeport, and the attorney that went after Rockford started trouble with FSD 145. The result, unlike RPS 205's forced-busing, are these meeting and workshops on the African-American student.
It is not that I do not learn from these activities, in fact I do get a lot out of them. It is the redundancy that bothers me- makes it look more like an "agenda." Things I have learned will be applied to ALL students, not just a particular group.

Student depressed; may be cutting self. Over the past couple of weeks, I have observed her change from an active student to very passive and uncaring. I asked her friend, who at first told me to stay out of it, but later told me of her history of cutting. I emailed her counselor.
I do not know if she is serious or just seeking attention. From what I have heard from other teachers, she is a bit of a "Drama Queen," although I have not observed it.

I do remember my own attempts at demise at her age, starting in junior high. Numerous attempts up through my early-20s. Was it something for attention? Was it something for the emotional pain created by unhappiness? I really do not remember. I do remember a lot of unhappiness due to inner-conflicts, but not really understanding why (realization of being gay).

Behind in grading; big stack of quizzes. Items from last week still not entered into the system- and seem to be missing quizzes from Spanish II (probably left in the class).
Department tells me to do it all scantron to save time, but to me, "selecting" and "matching" does not demonstrate real knowledge (as defined by Blooms taxonomies). True, grading would take less time, and perhaps, because of time issues, I should really consider it. But as I stated, I do not believe it will reflect real knowledge. Perhaps I expect too much from my students in regard to the higher-levels of the taxonomies. Then again, I am tired of the department complaining about how previous Spanish I teachers did not do their job (current Spanish II students not demonstrating what they need to).

Planning Dia de los muertos celebrations. I've made it a class project. Sadly, 8th hour can not keep it together and I took the fiesta away on Monday. Friday, after a decent week in class, I announced that we could discuss having the party on Monday.
A parent of one of my students does not want child to participate in activity due to "celebration of death." Requested advise from counselor.

Spanish club activity of paper-mache maracas. Paper mache finished, with various degrees of success. I believe that I may need to go over a few of them. Next week is painting.

Otherwise, OK.... As much as I enjoy the job, I believe this will be year-only: The drive is affecting me; the pay and insurance is not where I need it to be; the district "agenda" bothers me; my department is a bunch of back-stabbers.
During the holiday break, I will need to get portfolio together. I am not looking forward to another summer last this past one (job search).

At home....
I need to get my ass to the gym. Getting fat; pants a bit tight, uncomfortable.
Again, there are numerous issues: procrastination, time, tiredness. I paid my Bally membership through December. Seems like a waste when I am not using it.
Almost 20 years with the membership and nothing to show for it.

Not that it is ever too late, but I will be 40 in a few years. I really need to get this together.

David and I continue on the same path.
General stress continues to affect the situation. Not that he is helping matters at all. We continue to move along, ignoring trouble when it confronts us.
Some days, I just follow the status quo. Other days, I want to discuss what is going on, but I know that what may come will not be good.
I just do not know what to do.

Autumn continues.... still, a bit of "indian summer" hanging around (70s again this weekend). Probably last time mowing yard, but maybe one more.
Another set of issues when I look at the yard and am confronted by what I did not do and realize that next summer will be a huge mess.
It could be, once again, I've created a situation that it bigger than I can handle.

With so many project to do around the house, it is just so overwhelming. What to do?
Not to mention the financial issues. There is the thought that David needs to sell the house (it comes up every once in a while), but then again I think it is a bad idea. I like the house, although I find it very symbolic of our relationship, and has potential. And the market is very soft. If David were to sell, there is so much to do to prep it for sale, financially, it would not be worth it. He would lose a lot of money. The house would have to be perfect, spending a ton of money, to get what it may be worth.

Still no word from Susi (three weeks now?). I hope that she is just busy enjoying herself too much to spend time at an internet cafe. Perhaps her classes are a bit too much for her, or a bit of trouble with her daughter. I hope there is no issue with Antonio (although, I would not be surprised).

Still, I am thinking that David may have blocked her email from my aol account. I believe, it is probable, he did set up some-sort of spy ware on my laptop.
It is a cat and mouse game. I must admit that my on-line activities are not always respectful of our relationship, but it does transcend into reality. Whatever he knows, he knows.
I imagine he does the same.

Weekend list of things to do (after procrastinating for nearly four hours):
Lawn, car, grading and upload grades, lessons, make exams, Dia de los muertos presentation, seating charts, Spanish club, newsletters, laundry, ironing, schedules, working TBG (Sunday), financials, pick up house, and prep for next week.

Life gets in the way.....

It really does not matter what I want to do/ what desires I may have, rights and responsibilities always seem to supersede- block the path and move me to a different direction.

Productive day yesterday: lawn, tied-up the small trees, re-potted indoor plants, Spanish club stuff, and completed 90% of lesson plans.
Still, no gym and grades not finished.

Today, need to finish up lesson plans, get grades in, do laundry, ironing, and prep for week.
No gym today either.

I need to work on work on time-management; tighten-up the clock; discard things that get in the way.

Week otherwise went well:
Continued with curriculum in Spanish II. We just began new material. I anticipate difficulties to come.
Review of AR verbs in Spanish I all week. Somewhat disappointed that some students are just not studying. I told them that we are moving on this week and a few of them will be left behind.
Both classes have quiz 4 this week, and next week is the quarterly exam.
In addition, announced fiesta for El dia de los muertos. We shall see how this goes before I schedule another one.
Tutoring will begin next quarter- Mondays and Wednesdays.

Equity Conference on Friday (Institute Day).
I am getting really tired of the "agenda" of the district. I understand that the district decided on this route, versus fighting the claim of discrimination/ disenfranchisement (and ending up like Rockford: forced-busing), but it is obvious that the agenda points to/ highlights the African-American students rather than minorities in general.
I noticed it during new teacher orientation, and now since I have attended a couple of these conferences, I see what is going on.
Sad, among other things, this agenda could be a factor in staying with the district next year.

Student conferences begin on 01 November. I am not very enthused, as it seems like more work than I wish to offer.

I have not heard from Susi for a couple of weeks. I hope everything is OK. I assume she is just too busy with classes and having fun in Sevilla.

12 October was the day Columbus "discovered" the Americas. I assume big celebrations in Spain.

Otherwise, need to crack the whip and get work done.
Ciao!

Long Weekend; Anniversary

Columbus Day weekend- no school Monday.

Christopher Columbus "discovered" America. As I told my students, you can not discover somewhere where other people exist. His voyages began the exploration of this half of the world, where cultures were already thriving, leading to the European colonization of the Americas and eventual permanent settlements, leading to conquest.
We, as Americans, should be grateful to him for his explorations, but to celebrate his "discovery" is a bit exaggerated.

Classes this week: good and bad- mostly in the middle somewhere. Sad that I was looking forward to the weekend.
Friday, "treat day" for teachers. I made lasagnas, bread, fudge, and carrot cake. Everyone on the team made a lot of food. Nice to see it was all pretty much gone by the end of the day. It was pointed out that I was actually on the wrong "treat team," so I will be doing it again in January.
Quiz 3 for my classes on Friday as well. I gave my students the study guide on Monday, thinking that they would take the advantage. Sadly, grades thus far are par to course- those what always do well, performed better, whereas those who do poorly demonstrated the same.
Spanish Club social activity (movie) on Thursday. We watched Curious George in Spanish (English subtitles). Activity went well. Students organized and sane and watched the movie. I was able to get a bit of work done. Clean up was no problem.
No meeting with Swords about my observation (last week). I assume everything was fine.
Some student issues, but typical of the age. Being more than a month into the school year, I would think that the students know my expectations of reactions to particular behaviors. A few students are at the 5th step already- instant referrals. Funny how some of most problematic are very good students, whereas those tanking the class are quiet.
Need to get ideas going for "Dia de los muertos" (Nov. 1 & 2- Thursday and Friday). I have a project for Spanish Club- skull maracas, but nothing for my classes. I will do a cultural presentation on one of the days. I am thinking a fiesta is appropriate for the other, but I will have to see.
Otherwise, I am still behind in coursework, comparative to the classes across the street. Quarter ends in a couple of weeks. I need to come up with some assessment, using the department exam as a guide. Particularly with my 8th graders, I will not rush through material for the sake of the schedule. I know that I need to pick up the pace, but I will not place my students at a disadvantage. Of course, I must concede eventually and acknowledge that some students just do not study the material.

Fall irises blooming (white).
"Indian Summer" began Thursday, and the 80s will continue through Monday. Staying in the 60s at night.
Lots of work to do in the gardens- long list of things not completed over the summer. Hope to get at least two beds cleaned out this weekend.

Mom returned from Monroe (visiting grandma). I guess she is not doing so well. Too me, it sounds like she is becoming more affected by age, not necessarily by illness or lack of capacities, with aches and pains. Her mind is sharp. I have not noticed anything when I speak with her on the phone. Perhaps we will go down over Thanksgiving.

Anniversary weekend. Ten years.
What can be said; what has already been said. What defines "love" and what does not?
Happiness is a relative term; There is something to be said about history and companionship.

To David:

To think of my task is chilling.
To know i was carefully building the mask i was wearing for two years, swearing i'd tear it off.
I've sat in the dark explaining to myself that i'm straining too hard for feelings i ought to find easily.
Called myself jezebel.
I don't believe.

Before i say that the vows we made weigh like a stone in my heart.
Family is family, don't let this tear us apart.

You lie there, an innocent baby.
I feel like the thief who is raiding your home, entering and breaking and taking in every room.
I know your feelings are tender and that inside you the embers still glow.
But i'm a shadow, i'm only a bed of blackened coal.
Call myself jezebel for wanting to leave.

I'm not saying i'm replacing love for some other word to describe the sacred tie that bound me to you.
I'm just saying we've mistaken one for thousands of words.
And for that mistake, i've caused you such pain that i damn that word.
I've no more ways to hide that i'm a desolate and empty, hollow place inside.

I'm not saying i'm replacing love for some other word to describe the sacred tie that bound me to you.
I'm not saying love's a plaything.
No, it's a powerful word, inspired by strong desire to bind myself to you.
How i wish that we never had tried to be man and his wife, to weave our lives into a blindfold over both our eyes.

Jezebel, 10,000 Maniacs, Our Time in Eden (1992)

I hate this mode.
There are things I want to do, things I know I should do, but there is a lack of strength and desire.
I must realize that I am not getting any younger, that David and I are not necessarily happy people, and that, eventually, I will look back on life with many regrets.
So I need to choose a direction and just move forward, without hesitation or procrastination.

Unlike today, with already three hours wasted.
I need to get moving......