Los recuerdos

David and I watch Torchwood- a program on BBC America. It is a very interesting show, a spin-off of Dr. Who (which I don't really care for).

The episode last night....

It is the most precious moment, the final moment, when time just stands still.
I shared this moment once- and it does last a lifetime.

At the tapas bar, when I realized that time was closing fast. First break-down; the realization that nothing would ever be the same.
After lunch with "the sisters," sitting on the steps of the Manstranza looking over the river.
The morning, bidding good-bye to Ana and Antonio.
Finally, at the airport, the final moment. I remember the wave and a smile. My front crumbled when I turned the corner after security.

So let's just go for the vein....

Yo espero la vida tratarte bien
y te espero tener todos de tus sueños.
Yo deseo a ti el júbilo y la felicidad.
Pero de todos, te deseo el amor.

and find another...

El amor nos toca una vez
pero lo queda con nosotros para el transcurso de la vida.

Short Week

Three-day week- ended well, more or less. A couple of issues, but nothing major... Still, I am a bit unsettled.

Big review quiz, part in-class and part take-home, went well. Not sure how I will grade it. Grades are due Wednesday, which does not leave me much time to grade.

After the past week + of review, we are a bit behind. I will push to catch them up. I just need to be careful of keeping the pace quick, but not too quick.

New homeroom bulletin board up: "The A List." Although leans towards the competitive nature of the system, I believe this will keep my homeroom students on-track during a time that is more-often slacking than focused.

Not sure what to do for the Spanish bulletin board; mind draws a blank.

Otherwise....
Holiday season officially begins.
Today at Mother's around 3. Not sure if David will come or not: Will he be up? And then the allergy issue.
Christmas at Adam's new apartment (Chicago, near Century Mall).

Just not in the spirit, I guess.
Scrooge? Perhaps.
Over the past few years, I've just grown tired of it. Yes, I enjoy the day, but there is an undercurrent of uneasiness. Perhaps due to the duty of the traditional "happiness." It is all just a show.
In truth, it is all so commercialized- stores opening at 4am tomorrow morning. Quite insane.


Identity.
When stripped to the bone, is this who we are?

Who am I?

Sunday

Depression or unhappy?
It is sometimes difficult to tell the difference.

Hallmarks for depression: (Mayo Clinic) Loss of interest in normal daily activities and a depressed mood- sad, helplessness/ hopelessness, crying spells.

How much or how often is the line between.

I think I need a bit of help here.
I am used to riding the line, but when I go too far over- one way or another- that is when the trouble begins.

El mismo

I can have a good day at school, then a bad, then a good..... week ended on a sour note with an argument (student) who tried to rally the class against me. I am really tired of my 8th hour. As much as I enjoy the dynamic, a number of students get on my last nerve.

Stillman Valley HS has a position open for next semester. It is something to think about.... There is something to be said about the "happiness" factor. It is just not there for me. And it is spreading into other aspects of life, or rather, it is mirrored in other aspects.

I will probably just sweat it out and look for something else next year.

Thanksgiving week next week. Thank god it is a short week. Mother is having the dinner this year. I really do not want to do anything, but I will have to go.

Otherwise, just not so good.

Sunday

Forgot about this:
from Monday's paper (Freeport), about student-lead conferences.

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Otherwise, very sour mood yesterday (all day on sofa) and is fighting me today.

It is the "happiness" conflict.

How long until summer?

Wishful thinking.... it is only November.

Not that things are bad, rather they are unsettling.

I believe that I must put myself in the mindset of the "boring teacher," teaching the material with not much personality. I find that my personality, although conducive to the learning environment, opens the door to undesirable student behavior. Behavior is not necessarily an issue, but can be. The flip is that when I attempt this mindset, I am an angry teacher. I must find a happy medium.

Quiz 5 was a bomb (Spanish I). I pushed the material too fast to fit into the schedule (my schedule). I will reteach next week.

Parent from last week filed a formal complaint. Nick told me not to worry about it- he had already spoken to students in the class and the complaint does not have merit. Still, I find it very bothersome.

Question about my "highly qualified" status. It depends upon how they, the IL board, look at the classes. Either way, I am riding the line, either over or under, of the 36 classes required for status without exam. We shall see.

The "honeymoon" is long past; it will be a very long year.

Sometimes I question my ability:

"Just because I dance around in my underwear, it does not make me Madonna."

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Three-day weekend (Veteran's Day). A bit of a jump-start on my TTDs on Thursday and Friday, completing just a few things. Still, the list is long.

I MUST get my ass to the gym. Very pathetic state, really. Pants are tighter than ever. Thank god it is sweater weather. I have not idea how I would wear a belt. There is the question of desire though and time.

I have to get review packets done for class. I am a bit ahead in Spanish II, so the time will not really matter. I am about even with the other Spanish I classes. Review for them will eat up some time. Two new students in Spanish I need the instruction anyway.

I promised Spanish Club that I would get the t-shirts done this weekend.

Short-list of things to do around the house. In reality, the list is very,very long.

Holiday decisions. Again, I do not want to do anything and I may just put my foot down this year. So much of a hassle.

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Kind of melancholy state:
questioning things,
unsettling feelings,
passion is missing from various parts of life.

Could be that this is just the way life is.
Could be that I am ignoring the signs in front of me.
Could be the early signs of a manic or depression to come.

Who knows.

Ditto

Stress continues....
.... but it is over.

Meeting with parent, student, Mr. Swords, and Ms. Nelson over issue that I "announced her grade in class" and embarrassed her.
When it all started, student failing and then caught cheating on exam- she was laughing about it, pissing me off. I stated that she might have passed if she took the class/exam seriously. In addition, I had been trying to get her out of the class for over a month due to no work and behavior issues. Mother demanded an apology. Student never returned to class. Mother upset that I did not apologize (but how could I?); hence, the meeting.
I apologized for breaking student confidentiality, but student did not accept and the mother wanted more. Every point she made, there was a counter-point. At the end, student accused me of treating her different for being black and mother mirrored accusation in district.
I found Swords and Nelson supportive, but mainly neutral.
After meeting, discussion with Swords and Nelson. Everything is fine, although I feel a bit disturbed.

Reflecting on teaching thus far, I have this:
1. I believe I give students every advantage with grades in my class. Still, students who habitually do not do the work or continually perform poorly on assessments, I have a tendency to get a bit mean with these students. I will not take their questions- stating that they did not make the attempt on the work, and they need to try it before they ask me a question. On numerous occasions, I have told students that I will not "spoon-feed" the material to them. They need to make time to see me before or after school if they need help and they need to study.
2. I believe I give students every advantage with behavior issues in my class, giving them more chances and opportunities to change their behavior. Still, in some classes, students' behaviors have become class issues and I have the tendency to punish the whole class. Or, I point out the behavior in class instead of a private discussion.
3. I do not like dealing with parents. Although not always confrontational, my belief in transparency, therefore I do not sugar-coat a situation, meetings can quickly turn sour. Ditto for telephone conversations. A handful of conversations with Wiley and Swords over how I talk to parents.

Perhaps my standards are too high, or my expectations are not at par for this age group. I feel that I am doing my best to teach the majority of my students at a higher level, but with this there must be an acceptable amount of failure or not perform well.

In any event, with other things to consider, I do not believe Freeport is a long-term opportunity for teaching.

As for other things....
Finally, the cool weather of autumn has arrived. It was nice to see the plethora of fall irises, probably the most in years, due to the warmer weather. But the season calls for cooler temperatures, something that has affected the leaf-color changes this year (not so great). Tomorrow will be the last day to mow, or perhaps I will not.

Motivation is still an issue. I just do not have it..... Gym in particular. Desire is just not there, plus I am so tired by the end of the day.... Project around the house as well. Fred is doing a lot of work outside that I, or we, should have done. Inside, a lot of organizational projects need to be addressed.... Holiday season coming soon. I am not looking forward to it at all. Call it a blas`e attitude, but I am not enthused. It is just too much work and a headache.

Once again, I revert to my cycle of life. I have been in this position before. Last year, around this same time, I had a student issue. The season also reverberates habitual ideas and concepts that I am experiencing now.
Tried therapy, tried drugs, but neither seems to work very well. Not that I believe that I am in desperate need, but I really need to understand this cycle. I survive, but it is a struggle: "comfortably uncomfortable" as Dudgeon had said about my life.

What to do?
Well, what I always do: pick my battles and concede on others. True, it may be a passive stance- accepting life, rather than changing it- but it works.