End of 2007

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets.

-Arthur Miller

Knot in Stomach

The thought of returning to a mess on the 3rd is really racking my nerves. Not quite sure what to do, other than just prepare for a conflict and figure out some-sort of resolution. My mind, of course, has been churning the worst-case scenarios. But who knows, really? I will bring a copy of my resignation, just in case the scenario happens.

I just need to deal with whatever comes.
I need to reevaluate my classroom management plan.
I need to revive my passion for teaching- do what I like to do and quickly deal (therefore spend less time) with things I do not like to do.

So, plans for the end of the semester nearly finished (half-finished).

Second semester (if I still have a job/ not quit the job), will be a clean slate for many things. I hope to turn some things around, and to push students in a more-serious direction of learning the language. Still, I am not planning too far ahead (being cautious).

Looked at jobs on the ISBE. There are a handful posted for next year. I need to update resume and portfolio. I hate being in the same position as last summer- but it will just have to be.

Birthday came and went with little fanfare- just as I wanted. Went to school, actually, to drop off notebooks and pick up Spanish literature books for Susi. Picked up Sara at the bus stations (holiday with family). Worked on lesson plans. Picked up Dos Reales for dinner (not so good) and watched t.v..

It is sad really, this life I mean.
Disenchantment has lead to the acceptance of an unfulfilling status quo, leading to a dullness of life and enjoyment.

How much unhappiness is acceptable?
How much uneasiness is livable?

Do I even know what I want anymore?

What will be my catalyst for change?

Still here....

Mood continues; end not in sight.

A bit of grading finished yesterday- still some to do, but at least it is started. I will finish it today, then deal with lessons.

Typed a draft of my resignation. I will wait until the end of the semester before I finalize and send it to the district.

Holiday Blues....

Mood lingers.

Not getting much done; spent day on sofa yesterday. I have plenty to do. Unhappiness leads to procrastination leads to lazy days.

I am not quite sure how to break it, other than throwing myself over the line- which is painful.

If I don't do it now, I will be behind once school returns to session:
Grading.
Lesson plans.
Quizzes, exams.
Handouts.

Not to mention other aspects of life that have gone by the wayside.

Some days it is just too much.

Christmas Over

Nice time over at Adam's and Martina's apartment yesterday.

Still, I am glad the holiday is over.

Now, just have to wait for birthday and New Year's to pass.

Why have I grown to be so sour about the season?
Expectations are too high- Christmas, birthday, New Years- and the reflections that follow.
Perhaps too much disappointment over the years.
Perhaps because the days are such a hassle (trekking).

Or, perhaps, it is just another day in this life.

What is Christmas anyway?

Art Conrad, in protest of the commercialism of the Christmas season, nailed a Santa to the cross.

It begs the question.....
What is Christmas in the 21st century anyway?

Christmas is an annual holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus (not actual birthday), but is intertwined with non-religious (pagan) customs. In the 21st century, religion is all but lost in the celebrations and Santa reins.

Winter-holiday festivals pre-date the Christian calendar, including celebrating pagan gods and the winter solstice on 25 December. Great feasts, as we have with family and friends, were a very important part of these festivals.

The Catholic church introduced the "12 days of Christmas, " (26 December, ending on January 6th) around 400 BCE to coincide with the pagan celebrations, but celebrating the baptism of Christ. We do not celebrate this here in the US, but numerous countries celebrate on Jan 6- the day the Magi arrived.

It was during the Middle Ages when the organization of the season was solidified and gift giving became an important part of Christmas, becoming the be-all end-all of the season. Of course, festivities lead to excess and eventually, there was a ban on the holiday (1600s) because the celebrations no longer focused on Jesus. In the US colonies, some banned the holiday as being "too English," later to follow the more-conservative view.

It was not until the publication of "A Christmas Carol" and "Twas the Night Before Christmas" during the 1800s when Christmas returned, rather reinvented with the romantic notions of the "spirit of Christmas," the fantastic St. Nick (Santa Clause), and a plethora of gifts for children. Christmas was declared a federal holiday in 1870 (Pres. Grant).

In the 21st century, this underlying current of tradition creates an ideal Christimas: family gatherings, decorating the tree (a pagan tradition- nature worship), and children fast asleep to wake to gifts from Santa (the Santa icon standardized in the 1920s; an actual Saint (Greek and German), as a gift-giver: origins in the 15th century).

In reality, the season is so-highly commercialized. I've heard what my students are asking for and it is really ridiculous. Soon after Halloween, the Christmas decorations pop up in stores, nearly disregarding Thanksgiving. The day after Thanksgiving, "Black Friday," is a notorious shopping day- feeding the frenzy of the season. This weekend is another hallmark, marking the final shopping days- big sales all around. And then, of course, the day after Christmas- huge sales. The national, if not world, economic end-of-year picture depends upon these holiday sales.

Christmas is no longer about family or tradition, rather it is about what is given and the economic-vitality of the season.

La noche de paz

Friday, my classes caroling "La noche de paz" around the school. For the most part, went very well. Very proud of my 7th hour, as they are quite a shy class. Fabian brought his guitar during 4th hour; Jessica, her violin in 8th hour.

Although it went well, still issues..... sad that week did not end as well.

First, 8th hour could not keep it together before be left to carol. I said something I should not have, which may get me in trouble.
Second, a shooting in downtown Freeport put the school in "lockdown" mode towards the end of 8th hour. Students were such drama queens- way over the top.

Over break..... a number of things to do: grades, lesson plans, reworking classroom management plan and expectations. Also, updating portfolio and preparing for new resume packet. A couple of projects around the house. Working at TBG as well.

Christmas day at Adam's, but time not determined.

Mood somewhat sour. Not looking forward to much of anything.

Fever

I did not think about it, but perhaps part of this sour mood is due to this fever.
It started on Tuesday; last night it was 101: five days.

Still, I know that is not the only reason.

Another bad week....

You know, I am getting quite tired of this routine.....
There is really nothing much I can do about it, not is there much I can change about it.
My teaching is definitely affected, and with an observation coming up this week, I need to change the mood.
But it is difficult.

Perhaps enough is enough.
What is the line between tolerable and intolerable unhappiness?

At the end of the day it would be nice to come home to a happy house, but it does not happen.

It has not been this bad in a long, long time.
Perhaps four or five years.... when I started the ink, actually.

Symbolism is not going to help me this time.

Snow day 12/11

Not so much snow, but a big "ice storm" hit Rockford and the surrounding areas. City is somewhat closed. Freeport not affected as much, but the freezing rain is to continue all day. No damage thus far, although the internet goes in-and-out and some of the cable stations are down.

I'll use the day to catch up on things: grading, Spanish club t-shirts, handouts.

Still, I am quite tired, so we shall see.

Nothing much....

Not a good week, not a bad week; really just a week.... not that it went unscathed, but nothing major.

Second observation (with Mr. Wiley) sometime over the next couple of weeks.

Paycheck yesterday... ran errands. It had been nearly a month (two pay cycles) since I last went to buy groceries and other things. There was just no money- there is no money.

After responsibilities are paid, there is just nothing left:
Monthly
Income: Teaching $1556 + Thunder Bay (est.) $300= 1856
Outcome: $2100 (school loans, car payment & insurance, gas, grocery & target, visa, and money to David for household bills). Odds and ends are not in this tab (school lunch, cigarettes, etc.), although they do take a bite.

I did not run a negative until last month. This month, I think I will be OK. I picked-up more shifts at the restaurant starting next week. Plus, the upcoming holiday should bring in some cash.

The extra money? I need to open some-sort of savings account (emergency money). In addition, some-sort of retirement account. David took care of gifts this year, so I need to give him money for that.

David and I decided not to do the holiday this year (no gifts, no tree). Sad, but a relief. It has all become such a hassle.

Two-weeks until winter break.
I do not like being a teach who looks forward to weekends and extended breaks, but that it how it is this year.

I already have a mental list of things to do over break- cleaning/organizing projects, update portfolio and job applications, resume gym. I am working a lot at the restaurant as well (money issues)..... so really, not much of a break.

No word from Susi in a while.... at least for two-weeks. Her time in Sevilla is coming to a close, so I assume she is trying to get everything in. I sent her a short list of things I would like her to bring back. Hopefully, she will be able to get a few things for me.

Snow Day 12/05

Wiley called me around 5:30 to let me know. Nice to know how prompt the district is when making decisions like this.... I was planning to leave early today.

The storm was not that bad, only 4-6 inches in Rockford, but the roads west of Rockford, particularly 20, I guess are bad.

So what to do today?
It would be a perfect day to get lessons done, but I did not bring anything home. I already have a draft for the next two weeks for Spanish I.

Shoveling.

District review yesterday- rather, an observation. We were told that they would be coming for random observations. I guess everything was fine- written observation only if there is an issue.

Second in-house observation soon- before winter break.

Better

Week ended on a nice note.....
Tannen dressed like me on Friday (shirt, tie, sweater). Very cute show of flattery. Made the issues of the week really non-important....

....somewhat. The issuing being that a large handful of students earned a D or F on the take-home test. To me, it is a sign of a number of things: students not following along in class, not taking notes, not completing homework, but most of all, not giving effort to their study of the language.

And otherwise, things are the same. Nothing new to say and tired of complaining about life.