Shopping with Mom

Spent the day in the 'burbs with Mom shopping for school clothes.
I think it is somewhat sweet that she offered, referring to the tradition of doing so when I was a child.

We went to Stratford, where we ran into Tom and his wife. I have not seen him in a long time- he actually looks the same. Then to Woodfield (area). I did not select much, and only at the discount stores. I can not believe how expensive clothes are. If a pant or shirt was more than $20, I put it back. I did not select ties over $15.

Adam and Martina met us at Big Bowl for an early dinner.

If I had the money, I could see myself being more adept to spend on clothes. I liked Nordstrom's Rack (discount), but the clothes were still more expensive than what I really felt comfortable selecting. Still, I will probably return there when I need jeans.

Otherwise, not much else.
Today is to be hot, hot, hot, and humid. We need rain.
Indoor projects today- GUEST ROOM (dressing room).

End of Summer (not quite yet)

So, this weekend is kind-of the last one of my summer. I still have a few weeks before classes officially begin, but I have to start preparing and go in to get my room ready.

Mom is taking me "school clothes" shopping tomorrow.

Wednesday I am going in to school.
First day plan is just to unpack the boxes I packed up at the end of the year last year. I will also be figuring out ideas for my bulletin boards and display areas. I have ideas already.

I've been thinking about setting up the class based upon feng shui principles. I bought a book about it for the house (actually considering having a master come to the house) and then found information about apply feng shui to a classroom. Interesting. Actually, my room is somewhat set to the principles, while other things need some tweaking.

I've already started planning a bit for students. For the first couple of weeks, I really have to set my procedures and establish expectations (I was a bit lax last year) and I want to get some informal teaching with the basics before we begin the textbook.

I went through the textbook when I was called for jury duty (I was chosen, then excused). Thank goodness I have the lesson plan book- it will make my life easier. Still, there are almost too many options. There is just not enough time to get through all of them. I am not quite sure what activities to select. I think I will set some sort of basic plan system, and mix up activities to prevent boredom. I think this textbook is much more user friendly.

As for the gardens, at least the back perimeter beds are finished (back yard fence and west). I will continue to work on them. I told Sara that I will probably be working on them until October. Something tells me that I am probably not so off-base.

Coneflowers blooming: a group of purple and some white. I don't know if the other ones will bloom this year. I think I have some black/brown-eyed susans as well.
I need more mid/ late summer flowers. I guess that is what annuals are for.

As for today, it is almost too dry to work in the yard, especially in full sun. Perhaps, I am just procrastinating.

I think today is going to be house cleaning (its been a week).
We decided to fire Teresa. Not because she was not doing a good job (she did an OK job), but rather to save money ($120 a month).

In hindsight, quitting the restaurant was probably not the best thing to do. I should have worked the summer. But, I will say that I do not miss it all that much. I really do not miss the headaches. Still, the extra money could have helped and I have considered looking for something else.
I did apply for a few paid advisory/ assistant coach positions at school, but I have not heard anything. I will still do Spanish Club (Foreign Language/ International Club), even though it is not a paid position. I will sign up for tutoring as well (paid).

Excited to return to some sort of set schedule.

Of Course.....

Blew off yesterday..... sat on sofa; wasted time doing other things (but mainly nothing).

Today, been up for a couple of hours trying to psych myself up to do something productive.

I have to work in the yard.
I have to work in the yard.
I have to work in the yard.

The Space Between

Very much so.... dangerous.

Sunday actually turned out to be productive: cleaned the house and mowed the lawn.
Yesterday, less so: worked on seating charts.
Today, after sleeping on the sofa, nothing is moving very quickly.

Today has to be a garden day.
I am not going to finish if I do not make a more-concerned effort.
It is a nice day anyway; I should be working outside.

Nothing

Past two days.... nothing accomplished; Days spent on the sofa.

No excuse really. Laziness.
Just can't seem to get myself moving.

Today is Sunday.
I'm in this retrograde mood- I need to start again.
Last night I experienced a few moments one of my "yellow" moods. Not necessarily an out-of-body experience, but I seemed to be watching myself (like a movie). Mind-body disassociation. This is how I know things are not right with me.

So what to do......
I DO NOT need to over-analyze, over-organize, or trash myself- it will be difficult.
I DO need to reevaluate, briefly, and then take some action to bring a sense of accomplishment.

Heavy rains last night, so today is an interior day:
1. clean the house.
2. SMALL projects.
3. organize week.
4. bed early.

On-Off (again)

I just do not know what it is....
Perhaps, once again, there is just too much on my plate of things to do which creates a particular level of unfounded procrastination.

It stresses me out, confronted with my inability to follow-through.
Some things are time/ season -sensitive.... I have to get this stuff done.
I feel guilty because I continue to lower my standards. How can I expect others to follow, when I have issues with my own direction?

Yesterday, I was in the yard for about six hours working on the west bed. The bed is still not finished; probably a few more days to get it done.
I felt good, a sense of accomplishment. I will feel better when the bed is done.

Today, hot and humid; rain in the forecast for later today and for the next couple of days.
It's not too bad to work, but I'm not moving towards the goal- I did not go the gym either.
I really don't get it.

Although I feel that I have accomplished some things, I feel that I have not accomplished enough.
I keep having these "lazy days," where not much/ sometimes nothing gets done.
What is up?
Whatever it is, it has to stop.

Honestly, I believe it is all about my "devil's advocate" thinking of opposing sides (conflict). Examples:

Conflict with the house and yard.
I like the house. I like having a big yard.
But, there is financial strain, leading to discussions to sell.
So, why put forth the effort (if will belong to someone else)?

Conflict with career.
I enjoy my teaching position. I believe I have/ have had numerous opportunities in this district that I would not have in others.
Still, there are a number of issues (financial, insurance, costs, etc.) that hinder long-term consideration.
I stay for the experiences, knowing there will be an exit (perhaps end of this school year).... and I feel bad.

Among other conflicts.

So for today, not sure what I will do. Maybe errands, pay bills, cleaning projects. Who knows.

Another Wasted Day

Horrible day yesterday.
Did nothing; sat in front of TV all day.
Today looks to be the same.

Internal conflicts and more conflicts. I can't really remember the last time I went though this cycle.

Took a nap around 3pm- for over five hours. Really bad. Up after 8, then back to bed before midnight.

This morning, woke up late (9), and then went to gym- but only 30 minute aerobics. Something is definitely up.

Today is supposed to be a bit warmer than yesterday; tomorrow is supposed to be hot, and the next hotter still. If I blow off today, the remainder of the week has to be garden (rain over the weekend).

I believe part of the problem is having too much to do (full plate). I really only have to answer to myself, so I do not know what the issue is. Probably because I keep lowering my standard/ expectation. I try to keep myself going by stating that some work is better than no work.
Another part is the size of the projects. In some ways, I take it as punishment for not taking care of things in a timely manner. Things that could have taken just a bit of time to maintain, have now become projects.
And then there is the "if I only had...." way of thinking. Instead of doing whatever I need to do, I argue that I need something to fulfill the task. Money is tight, so I really can not go out and buy things.

Finally, I believe I am stalling.
The conflicts are polarizing, leading to more conflict, and too much conflict leads to nothing being done/ avoiding the task at hand.

I can make lists and more lists, wasting more time. Organizing is not an issue, it is the follow-though, sadly, that is.

I already have my big list- which is fine the way it is; I do not need another one. I have to focus on time management, as soon my time will have to be directed to preparing for the school year.

Goal 1
On nice days, my focus has to be the yard. The goal is to finish the gardens before 10 Aug (if not sooner).
What I have accomplished (happy with): parking space bed, tree bed by path.
What is part finished: back west bed, big west bed, entry path bed.
What needs to begin: all east beds, beds close to the house.
This is very much time sensitive- I only have so much time before school begins. I do not want to be working in the gardens in the fall.

Goal 2
On other days, or if I am not going to work in the yard (procrastination), my focus has to be indoors.
All I've really done are my computer projects (cleaning out).
I have soooooo much to do!
Here, I believe the "if I only had" conflict really plays out. In addition, there is so much other work to be done with the house (fix, repair, paint, finish, etc.) that it difficult to see a room really finished.

Goal 3
I have to prepare for classes.
I've read a few books on my list, taken some idea notes, so now I have to get things done.
I have to get my room together, which I do not anticipate will be too much work. Displays will take some time though.
I have to get the info paperwork together, the first two weeks of lessons (mainly procedures), and then the first two weeks of text lessons (when we "officially" have the new text- not as of yet).
Along with school stuff, I have to keep an eye on my portfolio- I have to update and prepare to show.

I think that is plenty to think about now.

So what about today? It's nearly 1:30; I will start at 2.
Obviously, the garden is out.
Perhaps I will tackle the guest room (my dressing room).... I WILL TACKLE THE GUEST ROOM today.

Another Day (procrastination)

Worked in the yard all day yesterday (mow, clearing the west beds). Still so much to do. I got a bit of a burn, but not too bad. I find my "gardener's tan" kind of funny- t-shirt tan lines; glove lines on hands; color below the knee; tan line on top of feet from my garden shoes.

Today, I slept a bit late (9am), and I've been contemplating/ procrastinating (it is now almost 11). I will go to the gym and then begin work. The weather is suppose to be nice for the next few days, although heat and humidity will rise with anticipation of a storm Friday. I will see how the ground is- if it gets too dry, the soil is a pain to work in.

Internal tug-of-war began again last night.

I was looking at financial resources for teachers and came across the HUD home assistance program (specific to teachers). The system seems pretty good, but the homes definitely need lots and lots of work (not something one can move right into). A handful in Freeport, a couple close to the school. One of the qualifications is consistent employment in the same district for two years.
David was all gung-ho. Interesting. I think this house is just costing too much. He said he would sell the house as-is.

I really have to think about what I want to do- professionally.

Point 1
To me, Freeport is a stepping stone. There are things that I like: advanced students, certain freedoms, school administration, some of the teachers. But there are things that I do not like: salary is lower than desirable and the scale is not good, benefits are bad, the "diversity plan" is bias (if not ignorant), and the drive (gas cost).

Point 2
(Positive) Some of the financial issues could be resolved if we lived in Freeport. Downsize into a smaller house. If I lived near the school, I could walk. If I purchased a duplex, the rent could subsidize the mortgage. Also, by living in Freeport, I would be able to be more involved in school activities.
(Negative) I find the city of Freeport very limiting. I do not see opportunities to continue my education, expand horizons, or have much to do. In addition, it is nearly an hour west from Rockford; adding more time to jaunts to Chicago and 'burbs.

Point 3
I believe the best thing to do is to work this school year and look for something else, preferably in the 'burbs where I can make more money. I could stay with Mom during the week; home on the weekends.
Frankly, I like our house and the yard. There is much to do, but financial limitations hinder any real work.

Nothing I guess I can do now.

Fighting Procrastination

When I have too much to do, I find myself overwhelmed and not doing much of anything. It is not about not knowing where to start or prioritizing, but perhaps it is- as everything on my list of TTDs is important. Very little of it is dire, well, some it (perimeter garden beds), but some is time/season sensitive (garden; getting ready for school).

It is a full plate, and what a waste if all is not eaten. I think I've "wasted" five, maybe six days thus far this summer (been just over a month). I guess that is not too bad.

Still, when the weather is bad, I should be working in interior projects, but these, for whatever reason, seem to be my biggest procrastinators. Yesterday and the day before, with the weather wet and overcast, I pretty much sat on the sofa all day. Today, ditto of previous days, I there are things I have to do.

Today is David's birthday. I made two cakes (gooey-butter and chocolate-covered oreo) anticipating his family coming over. Dinner out with them.

I need to run errands, including a gift for him, and clean up the house. I'll probably run to Barnes and Nobel and over to Crimson Ridge. Nothing much really. He's difficult to shop for and I do not have any good ideas.

Mom paid three months of SNAP membership for his birthday. Thank goodness for that. As long as he uses it.

Otherwise....
The weather is suppose to turn for the better tomorrow, so I will continue the yard. I have people wanting more irises. I have plenty to give- I just have to get to them.

Jackson Comment on Obama

I am not a big fan of Jesse Jackson- to me, he is in the Al Sharpton category of instigating media frenzies. Still, there was a time when Mr. Jackson was someone to respect and a leader in the black community. Seems like he, as others before him, wished someone put his foot in his mouth before the words came out....

Unaware that his microphone was on during a break for a Fox News program last Sunday, Jackson used a slang reference to wanting to cut off Obama's testicles. When he learned Wednesday that the Fox News program "The O'Reilly Factor" would air his comments that night, Jackson apologized for "hurtful and wrong" remarks.- ABC News

What irritates me:
If someone of the same age, profession, socio-political stature- same in every aspect- but was WHITE, the black community would be demanding his ass, an apology would not be sufficient, and the person would have to resign/ be encouraged to resign any held position.
Of course, Obama accepted his apology:

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama shrugged off a crude comment aimed at him by the Rev. Jesse Jackson, accepting an apology for a remark Jackson made as he contended that Obama wasn't speaking to issues important to the black community.- ABC News

If the reporter was white, would Jackson have said what he did? Most likely, definitely not. Perhaps he was looking for comradeship. The reporter kept his mouth shut- later claiming that he did not hear what Jackson said.
Was the apology to save-face in the black community? Possibly. I believe to stop a growing division in the community: the educated v. the uneducated. The educated black person can understand Jackson's statement in the context of Obama's campaigns, and then agree or disagree; whereas, the uneducated agrees without any sort of reference or reflection, perpetuating the stance of the "victim" (because Obama is "too white to understand the struggle").

Even Jackson's son condemns his father's words:

Rep. Jackson, Jr.: "Revered Jackson is my dad and I'll always love him. He should know how hard that I've worked for the last year and a half as a national co-chair of Barack Obama's presidential campaign. So, I thoroughly reject and repudiate his ugly rhetoric. He should keep hope alive and any personal attacks and insults to himself."- ABC News

What has Obama said, really, that offends?

.... lamenting that many of his generation are "disenfranchising" themselves because they don't vote, taking rappers to task for their language, and decrying "anti-intellectualism" in the black community, including black children telling peers who get good grades that they are "acting white."- Washington Post

Is he wrong?
I do not think so. This is the same/ similar rhetoric that turned people against Bill Cosby, although Cosby was much more upfront with his 'tough love' opinions of those in the black community who create and maintain an ill-perceived status quo perpetuated by an MTV generation and family cycles of accepted poverty and violence sustained by federal handouts and community outreach programs.

Similar can be said about the Mexican illegal immigration issue: we give too much.

In this media-savvy world, everyone has to be careful what is said in front of/ near journalists and news media. With Mr. Jackson's experience with the media, he should know better. There is no "private conversation" when you are attached to a microphone; his claim that he was speaking "privately."

Is Obama our next President? I am not sold on him yet- to me, he lacks the experience. In addition, I have concerns about his wife (her "baby daddy" comment) and concern about who he will choose for his running mate. If he selects Clinton, Gore, or Edwards, I will not vote for him- Clinton will bring Bill back into the fold (very undesirable); Gore will bring his "global warming" agenda (which he does not follow himself); Edwards, in my opinion, like Gore, does not practice what he preaches (particularly about money).
Still, I believe this country needs a CHANGE, and perhaps someone with less experience and not affected by political sways will bring a fresh perspective to the position.

On the flip, I am not encouraged by McCain at all, but he does have a lifetime of experience. I fear he will continue Bush policies and agendas and carry on with a 'business as usual' in other areas. I liked Romney better, who could take the VP spot. As for the other potential running mates, I am not familiar.

We shall see.

Another Day

Nearly all of the irises I dug up are gone- lots and lots of calls. I've been telling people to call back over the weekend.
Mostly nice people.
Some garden enthusiasts; others just trying things out.
I got some advice about the fruit trees; A retired farmer wants to make me a tractor mailbox; A woman is going to drop off tomatoes from her garden; Another is making a memorial garden for her daughter (cancer).

The call for rain yesterday did not arrive until very late. It was too humid to work outside, so housecleaning day. All bedding washed and I cleaned out my laptop.

Too wet to work outside today. Tomorrow is supposed to be a nice day.
I have plenty of projects to do inside anyway, too much in fact- not sure where to start. I have my list, but that does not mean very much (really).
Again, I need a few small victories before tackling the bigger projects. I think I will concentrate my efforts per room/ space. Perhaps this will be easier.

Otherwise, production continues to be on/off.
Desire for the things I want to do wains a bit and then returns. I see, especially in the yard, half-finished projects. Inside, I can not leave such projects lingering.

Much to do. Much to do.

Somewhat Productive Weekend

I did not quite finish the fence area over the weekend; ground too dry to work. But rain today and maybe tomorrow, then I will return to working outside.
Plus, I was totally lazy on Saturday and did pretty much nothing. Perhaps a bit too much sun on Friday drained the energy out. I probably could have finished the bed. Still, the ground was horrible, so maybe not.

I am hoping we will have some good rain, not just dribble.

I've had a good number of people calling for irises. I think five stopped by yesterday, one this morning, and there will be a few this afternoon (called earlier). I guess I could have sold them, but then, perhaps, I would not be getting rid of them as quick- and I still have a lot.

Otherwise, today my plan: the gym, clean up the house, and get indoor projects done. I need to find the energy somewhere, as I feel the potential for another "lazy day."

4th of July Week

Stayed home and ordered pizza. David asked about going out to watch the fireworks, but after working in the yard all day, I really did not feel like it. I felt a bit bad, as it has been a long time since he seemed to want to do something outside of the house.

So many stellas. Really, way too many, but they look good en mass.
I've been working on the back fence area- kind of avoiding the bigger beds. As stated in my previous post, I need some "small victories" before returning to the big beds. Still, the fence bed is not all that small of a task. The goal is to finish it this weekend. I'm about halfway there for the west end. The east end is not that bad but needs some attention.
The patio off the garage is filling up with plants. Once again, I've sent email outs and put the big "FREE PLANTS" sign up, this time with little/ no response. Out of desperation, I've placed a free ad in the RRSTAR. We'll see about the response. It will go out tomorrow.

I've done very well this past week with going to the gym. Basically, I make it my no. 1 priority every day- before anything else, I go to the gym. Some procrastination (like today), but I am going- and I FEEL BETTER. I keep having to remind myself of this: I FEEL BETTER for the day when I get a bit of exercise.
Weight-wise, I am still hovering around 200 lbs. The priority is not necessarily loosing weight, rather it is to be able to fit into my work clothes.
I anticipate that I will have to buy new clothes anyway, at least pants, as most of my pants are too small. Shirts seem to be OK, although I think my neck size went up a bit. I will wait until August.

Otherwise, not getting much done on my TTD list for summer. Rather, not getting much done besides working in the garden. So much to do inside and out.
On the 9th, it will be a month into summer break, and then there is just over a month left. I really need to knock off these indoor projects.

Because I am not working (at the restaurant), I feel that I have to "work" on other things. I have to keep busy to justify not working (and not making money). Perhaps it is guilt that drives this feeling- but really, when is guilt not a factor in my life?

Financially, I am sure it is hurting a bit, although nothing has really popped up.
Well, maybe- we will not travel this summer. There is definitely no extra money for that, but I believe it has less to do with not working at the restaurant and more with the cost of gas.
And I canceled the lawn service.
David has not said anything about money, rather he compliments on the work I've done outside. Obviously, he know that I keep busy.

That is pretty much it this week.
Although my schedule is a bit mundane (same day-in day-out), THINGS ARE GETTING DONE. I have to remember this. It may be slow, but there are accomplishments every day and I am developing positive habits.
I wish I could get my day going a bit earlier, in theory I will accomplish more. Still, it is nice to get eight hours of sleep. Perhaps a goal for next week: to get to bed earlier, so that I will get up earlier.