Xmas

Well, we put Candi down yesterday.
It was time, if not past-due. Got through it.
Very slow day.

Today, Christmas, to go to Adam's.

Winter Holiday

Well, school is out.
We had school Monday and Tuesday; off Wed 23, returning Monday, Jan 04.

Snow and ice in the forecast. Not sure whether or not I will be driving anywhere. Originally, David and I we going to go to Mother's on the Eve, and then I was going to Adam's on the day. Who know now. Not much in the mood anyway.

Bizarre fever yesterday. I knew something was up in the morning, going to the nurse's office twice yesterday with a slight fever of 99. 101 at home around 5; bed before 8; night sweats. Today, up around 9 and feeling better, but tired. Whatever it was, it is probably gone, taken care of by self-preservation means of the body.

Only one snow day thus far, two weeks ago.

Drama at the HS, with Johnson and the principal having an affair. No word on what is to come, although rumor has it that I am going to the HS, which I am not. Swords concurred.

Very good evaluation in early Dec.

Another big check from Aunt Jean- 25G.
Sitting in savings account. Not sure what to do with it. I putting it away, but the question is where and for what. I'm thinking 10G in account for house stuff- either to buy or renovate, a check for a few Gs to David, and the rest in other investments.
Not that it is a lot of money, but I do feel somewhat secure that I have something. Reality is (estimate) that I will need to have 1 million by retirement to live. If Aunt Jean is any indication of my potential longevity, I will need more than that.

Invitation to go to Madrid in Feb, gratis, for a teacher conference with ACIS. I asked David to go, but after two days- excuses (as is par). So, I am going.

Otherwise,
busy with a ton of work; things to do around here; various other TTDs.

Holiday Season Begins.....

Well, Thanksgiving came and went without much fanfare. I made turkey breasts, green bean casserole, and sweet potatoes. We ate late. I spent the day grading (not finished) and not much else.

Sara stopped by, after calling half-a-dozen times. I've been avoiding her, actually. Once again, she got on my nerves (who knows why), and I thought it best to just not be around her.

Today, went to gym- nearly 210 now (No wonder why I've been so uncomfortable in my clothes), cleaned the house, and began laundry. I have such a long list of TTDs, never ending really.

Mother called to tell me that Aunt Jean is sending another 25G. Very grateful. Plan to invest 20G, so I will have nearly a year of salary in investments, and give a bit to David. If she happens to do it a third time, I am not sure what I will do with it. Maybe get some work done around the house.

Grandma (received 100G), is paying some of my school loans. Mother (also received 100G) is fixing up her house. They will both get another 100G. A bit jealous, perhaps, but still very grateful for what I've received.

Around four weeks until Christmas. As for the past few years, I plan to do my shopping online, avoiding the crowds. Not sure what to get everyone, but happy I will not be putting in on Visa.

Thanksgiving

Work day, really.
Using the time to catch up.
House has not been cleaned in nearly a month, but that will have to wait until tomorrow.
Today has been designated for "school work."
No family plans; Turkey dinner later, somewhat-Thanksgiving-ish.
I've noticed a very paternal/ maternal emotional pattern this season.

Otherwise, work, work, work.

Better

Week went pretty good; No extreme ups and downs, but a few minor vibrations.
It was a long week though, loosing my breath Thursday.

Money from Aunt Jean (25G) slowing going to where it needs to go. 10,000 into two CD accounts, nearly 8 to visa, 4 to David. Still, a little into the market and a little to play with (yet to determine).

Thanksgiving next week; no plans thus far. Not sure if I really want to do anything anyway.

Not 'blah' mood, but not enthused.

Student Returns.

Darren is back.
I received notice after I ran into him in the doorway of the HS. One would think that some sort of PRIOR notification would be the standard, but I guess not.
Not quite sure how I will handle this one.

Spoke with athletic director concerning cheerleading coach. Off my hands, I guess.

More.

I believe there is a lack of integrity the is adversely affecting society as it exists today. If recent personal events are a sign of what is to come, perhaps I should consider myself "old school" and just put myself in a home.

Again, the gay thing.
While cleaning the floor after study hall, I came across a note addressed to me. Vulgar. "Dicks are for chicks" and related sayings. Took note to Dean. Student was identified within two class periods and earned a 10-day suspension and removal from my study hall.
Message from parent via Swords, stating apology and embarrassment.

After school, former student comes to see me and "comes out." I believed I handled it appropriately, but, admittedly, was, perhaps, not as supportive and caring as I could have been. Kept a professional distance.

Coach bullying.
Cheerleader coach, whom she and I had similar dealings a couple of years ago, instigated an issue between myself and parent.
It is second quarter, few grades, and student did not turn in a parent slip in study hall. Parent admitted that child forgot- so how is it my fault? Obviously, a student organization issue.
So, a call from father followed by a somewhat threatening email from mother (coach called them).
How far will I go with this? Who knows.

Unsettled

The week was uneventful; rather, the week was on-par as the previous, so not much change.

My attempt to use differentiating strategies became the latest uproar. Angry parents for separating students according to ability. I try to be transparent, so the students know why something is the way it is. Is that not what we are supposed to do- tell the student why something is the way it is. In the end, Martha came around for a meeting and was determined that "differential philosophies are sound, but the practices may be biased." So what does that mean? We can believe in them, but not practice in the classroom? A whole bunch of crap to me.

On the flip, there are students who WANT TO BE CHALLENGED and there is support from parents. Not sure what to do, after the mandate that I must give the same to everyone. "Don't want to make some kids feel dumb"- well, they need to get their work done and study or I would not be focused on them to improve their grade and knowledge baseline.

Darren is supposed to return to school next week. Either I stand my ground and pull a big stick, if not quit, or cower and just stay quiet. I was advised to just ride it out and without much noise by few colleagues. He has an IEP, so that is the way it has to be. More crap.

Last weekend was 12 years for David and I. I had grad class all weekend, so no real celebration. What is there to celebrate really? That we've tolerated each other for so long? That we are each filled with a fear of loneliness?

Not much sunshine and rainbows.... maybe next week will be better.

And it begins....

Crazy.
There are moments when I see the fork in the road: two directions, of which one is a familiar path, and then the other, vaguely familiar. I know the former, because that is the path I always seem to take, therefore I know where it leads, and the path is a troubled one. The later is the one I should take, and, in my mind, is the one I begin with, only to cut across to the other. Why? No idea. Comfort in chaos perhaps, or because the less-destructive path is too conforming, too empathetic or maybe I just enjoy a wild ride.

So, Mr. Wiley tell me to go to the HS Tuesday after school. En route, I am trying to figure out why: Did I say something? Do something? Offend some student with my banter and wit? In Mr. Thake's office, he tells me that I am on a student's "hit list." This student was in my class two years ago and I have had nothing much to do with him over the past two years- other than a hello in the hall whenever I've seen him. I remember him being somewhat of a troubled student (he has and IEP), but rather harmless, maybe a bit angry. I never wrote him up for anything- sending him to see a fellow teacher, as requested.
Anyway, my mind is a buzz, not really listening, trying to figure out why. Mr. Thanke tells me that his mother found this note, brought it to school, and pulled his son out for psychiatric evaluation at Mayo to see one of his doctors. Mother claims a medication issue due to growth. He refers back to a referral he received in 8th grade (at first, one I thought I wrote) and tells me that there are a number of people in this note, so I can not see it due to confidentially. Thanke notes a post-Colombine law, which offically removes the student, but reminds me that he has an IEP so he may return once his doctor approves.
Thank you.
I look up the referral- it was from another teacher. The student called me a "faggot."

Sinking in, like rancid oil ruining the cake.

Wednesday, I return to the HS, asking if there was any reason stated in the note. No. I am leary about Thanke, as he plays politics. I see Everding, the FEA rep at the HS, explaining, but not sure- as I have not seen the list, other than it is in letter form. I explain that this is the sixth or seventh time that my sexuality has been an issue.
First hour, HS class, I go off a bit.... Basically telling them that my personal life is no one's business and if they have questions or concerns, they can see me after school. "I did not know my life was so facinating."
I call Ms. Norman, explaining that I am on a hit list. She is in my room by 2nd hour. I repeat what I told FEA. I ask if the District approves if I just say "yes" if a student asks me directly if I am gay. She asks if it has come up; "yes." And what I say, "It has nothing to do with learning Spanish." She prefers my current answer. I am not getting the responses I am looking for.... I add that the only reason I came back this year was because I have the Asst. Principal's daughter and note that we see what happened in Spanish when there was the substitute in the position. She asks me what I want. I told her I do not want some forced "sensitivity traning" as that it is a promotion of an agenda that staff and parents may not be comfortable with (a hit to the so-called "equity" conference). I ask for a couple days off, sick days, not personal, she agrees. Finally, some movement, and I backtrack a bit attempting to calm the mood.
Mr. Wiley and I talk during my 3rd hour. He tells me that I have the days if I want them. I see Nick and I am quite sure Ms. Norman told him what I said. Later, Mr. Wiley tells me that Officer Hale review the note and there is no reason stated why I am on the list.
Everding emails- telling me to call. Call to her: Thanke told her the same thing. I asked if she saw the letter. No. I voice my concern that I do not know the extent of the threat because I nor she has been able to see the letter.
Of course, I was told not to talk about it, but I was. Told students that they may have a sub on Thursday and give them the assignments.
I decided not to take the days off- all students have tests next week; reteaching grammar concepts on Thursday to 8th grade; and what would it look like to students, those who actually know, if I heel. Email to Wiley and Norman stating that I will be in class.

Thursday, somewhat easy day. Students sensed my mood on Wednesday.

Friday, institute day with a department meeting in the morning. En route, my mood errupts, not only over this, but other school issues.
After the department meeting, which was another cause for the so-called "equity," this one for data, where the only minority counted was the AA population. and two of the department called in sick, and Martha said something refering to her cancer- which just adds to my mood. Afterwards, I go off in a big way, probably too much. Telling her that if they allow him back in school, they will have to find a new Spanish teacher.
I go to the conference, part of the JHS institute program. Speaking to teachers in between breaks, I probably say too much- mood is leading the way.
Call to Everding. I want to speak to FEA Legal.

Weekend. Mood here, but waining.
It is always in the reflection and hindsight that the web becomes evident. Those strands of truths and half-truths and blatent lies- leading to threats and overzealous statements, of which I will have to answer to.

Countdown.

Monday, Aug 10.
Begins my last week of 'summer.' Anxious, uncomfortable; I am stewing a lot.

Summer, for what the word defines to me, is no longer what it once was: the period between school years, with the time spent at swim meets, "hanging out," and the annual family vacation to Florida, lying on a beach, eating loads of shrimp from a bucket, and, perhaps, a roller coaster or two. Later, during my overzealous high school year, after my parents separated and after I 'came out,' summer was Chicago, with my fake ID and a wanting smile, patios of margarita pitchers, drunken madness, leading to unmentionable activities.

Yes, somewhat nostalgic, realizing that the good came with the bad. It was not always angelic; my behaviors were not always exemplary, and continued for over a decade. Fun as it was, nevertheless, it always came with a cost, and, in one way or another, continues to haunt because that state of mind still exists. I must remember that I am no longer 17, as painful as it may be.

So now, late-30s, as a teacher during this in-between season, and with a long list of responsibilities, related and unrelated, summer is just about over. Once again, I am faced with a long list of things I never got to, another season without a vacation, a few rounds with David, another chapter about to close (or one that will not end).

As you can tell, I am in one of my narrative moods; I am searching for something, channeling someone else to put this all into perspective. I believe this part of my disassociated behavior, as if watching from the outside. I separate the ego from the id in an attempt to figure it all out.

"If you continue to do what you are doing, you are going to get what you are always getting," an interesting quote from Harry Wong from infamous book, The First Days of School, something I read to prepare for the school year. "If you continue to do what you are doing, you are going to get what you are always getting." I've had the book for years. Funny how I've skimmed over the quote countless times before, but this summer, it sticks with me. "If you continue to do what you are doing, you are going to get what you are always getting." If I continue to do what I am doing, I am going to get what I am always getting.

So what am I getting?

Conflict.

There exists a conflict between desire and need, between want and responsibility, between me and myself. I ride the gray line, stepping over to either side on occasion, knowing that these areas can create havoc for me and all involved.

But, as I have learned, it is easier to ride the line, although it may create inner-turmoil. Most days I feel it is safer to be in a state of self-hatred from tireless regret; I am not sure, if not afraid of, what it would bring if I directed these feelings to someone else, although I believe it has come close.

It is almost easier to do nothing, than to do something and later face the potential disappointment. But to do nothing, guarantees that I will have to face it again tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. It is the procrastinator's mantra; familiar. And I am tired of returning to the same spot, deepening the over-run tracks of the cycle.

Change. I desire change, or at least some resolution.
If I continue to do what I am doing, I am going to get what I am always getting, and resolution is not the end result. But change takes effort and can be painful. My all-or-nothing mentality nearly guarantees the latter.

I need focus and determination.
I need to STOP procrastinating and playing the "what if/ if only" mind game.

I need to look at the full plate and just take care of it: "Feel the fear and do it anyway."
But, alas, the fear overruns, as does the guilt and self-defeating waves of thought.

I need to work my way out of this state, before it becomes bigger, more controlling than it already is. Now, I can read my self-help books and wander through my mind, making lists and more lists verbatim of those before. Or, I can really make an effort, in lieu of the half-ass going-though-the-motions as I have done before, and really work.

Hmm. It is going to be an interesting day.

August

Well, the summer is pretty much over. One week left, then Institute begins on the following Tuesday. The past couple of weeks spent on the summer school Spanish immersion (which I believe went well) and setting up my classroom in the afternoons.

My classroom is pretty much set- just a handful of things to do (art and artifacts).

Loads of things to do though to prepare....
Intro letter done.
Intro packet not done.
First lessons not done.

Alas, as is the life of a teacher.

Still, I will be happy to get back on a schedule.

Summer class

14 students in my summer school class. Mix of Spanish II and I- all are former students or will be in my class. I am running it pure conversational and seems to be going well.

Otherwise....
I can not believe I keep fighting the procrastination battle. All summer I have been in this mess.

Gotta change.

End of July soon....

Well, the summer is nearly over, my summer at least, and although I did accomplish some things, I am left with a long list of things that I just did not get to. Blame it on procrastination and other self-defeating behaviors (whatever), but the fact remains that I, once again, am in a familiar position that I do not wish to be in.

My summer Spanish class is to begin next week. With only 9 students, I hope there is no issue that will result in its cancellation. When I call about the class, Mr. Trainor is on vacation, returning next week, and the secretary was not aware that I was having the class at all. I went in today and there is still no room designation. I guess I will have to wait until Monday.
I am not sure what I will be teaching. Almost evenly divided between Spanish I and II students, it can not be too basic or too intermediate. I believe I teach strictly conversation.... getting the students to talk, focusing on pronunciation. I'll probably just wing it.

Two weeks of that, a week off, and then classes begin.

I am in desperate need for change.....
39 this year, then 4o.
There will be casualties.

Mood

On-off mood. Hard time getting things together.

It is either a push, and things are accomplished.
Or procrastination, perhaps defiance, and nothing gets done.

5 hours and no much done today.

July

Well, I did not get the Belvidere job.
On the one hand, I am a bit disappointed. I guess I could have interviewed better- more forceful with my portfolio. But it was not that kind of interview; more of a generalized list of Q&A. It was more money and better insurance, not to mention the 15-minute commute.
On the other hand, I am a bit relieved, as it would be difficult to leave Freeport. I enjoy my job and the people I work with.

So... I guess the direction is Freeport. Plan to move?

Sad day.

Week

First full week back.
Busy, but not a feeling of accomplishment. I have a lot to do; made my list- but not moving very quick. Not sure where to start.
I feel somewhat in that post-holiday mood: not really depressed, but unsettled.

Possible interview next week- Belvidere North. Need to get portfolio done.
Still looking for other positions, but uncertain how my loyalty issue will pan out if I am offered a job.

Garden a mess. Need to really get in there.

A mixed-bag mood really.

Return from Spain

Back from Spain
Day 1-2, Flight to Madrid: Flight was fine and my travelers did fine on the long-haul flight. Hotel Opera is a nice business-class hotel a couple of blocks from the Royal Palace. Gym on top floor with panoramic view and free internet. After we arrived, I realized that I lost the NETC folder. I was extremely stressed, as all of the information was in there, perfect for identity theft. My stress level hindered much of my enjoyment.
Day 3, Madrid: Tour began- parks, plaza de torro, museums. Jennifer sick, so I missed the Prado. I went to pharmacy to get her meds and return to hotel. I returned to the tour at the Reina Sofia (student sleeping), as I wanted to see Picasso's Guernica, but quickly returned. Missed dinner and the cooking class, but travelers said the class was fun. Jennifer and I took a stroll when she was feeling better.
Day 4, Madrid: A free day. Visa not working- had to call. I took students to the Royal Palace in the morning. There was an art fair at the Plaza de Espana where students picked up gifts. Afterward, I took some to the Warner Bros. amusement park (Six Flags), while others wanted to stay in Madrid to shop. We took the Metro and Reinfe out to the park. Not that many people; six major rides within three hours. Nice time. Paid out in cash all day. Our tour director, Manni, located the NETC folder (on our arrival bus) and felt better once it was returned. Lots of construction in Madrid, as that they are a candidate for the next Olympics.
Day 5, Toledo: Bus to Toledo and tour of various sites (Cathedral, Synagogue, Sword factory). I found the tour a bit rushed and the Sword factory a definite tourist trap. Still, travelers picked up gifts. Hotel Abaceria was outside of the official city with wonderful views of Old Toledo and a pool. It was the Corpus Cristi celebration, so the city was decorated with banners and flowers. The mini heat wave began while in Toledo and continued for the next few days; over 100 degrees. One of the groups with us, from a Catholic school, got drunk (they were without their chaperon). I woke her up; her travelers said I was lying, but other chaperons supported my statements. She and her students were rude to me and my group for the remainder of the tour.
Day 6, Cordoba and Seville: Great Mosque in Cordoba. Students started to complain about all of the walking, along with the heat. Wonderful lunch at a really nice restaurant (El Chorro), and then off to Seville. In Seville, I skipped the walking tour and went to Ana and Antonio's apartment. At first, we were going to have lunch, then not (Seven students for the summer and Ana is limping around; we decided on a short visit for the next day). I met my travelers and we walked around a bit- the city is different, with pedestrian walkways and biking roads. The hotel was OK, just outside of the tourist area. Problems with air conditioning, the internet down, and mediocre food made the travelers a bit ornery.
Day 7, Seville: I took my travelers to Cafe de Indias then we met up with the tour at Plaza de Espana. We toured the Alcazar and the Cathedral and Giralda. My group, along with another, went to the Plaza de Torro musuem, then my group went to McDonalds (complaints about how different it was) and then over to visit with Ana and Antonio and a bit of shopping. Ana was teary when we were leaving, making me cry. Oh well. The heat was a huge issue when we walked over to the shopping district. Students took cabs back to the hotel. Later, Flamenco class and show. I wanted to take students out for tapas, but they found the cafes to be dirty- I explained that a dirty floor was a sign of a busy cafe. Again, I believe all of the walking and heat was the main issue.
Day 8, Seville to Ronda to Costa del Sol: In the morning, my group went to the Museum of Fine Arts, then we were off to Ronda. Ronda would have been better if we had a better tour. Mainly, we walked around but did not go into anything. We had a few hours of free time, for lunch and our own touring. My travelers did not want to walk around to see anything. We had lunch at a pizzeria and split for shopping. Arrived at Hotel Fenix and walked around through the shopping area and to the beach (5 minutes from the hotel).
Day 9, Granada: Our group with a few others took a day trip to Granada. Again, lots of changes; they were working on the gardens. We had an excellent local guide. The lion fountain was being refurbished. I believe some of my travelers had their epiphany there, realizing how old civiliazation really is. At night, since all of the other groups except us were leaving, there was a little fiesta. Pissed me off a bit that we (all of us) were charged for the cake- they should have asked before ordering it.
Day 10, Torremolinos: Free day. A bit of shopping in the morning, a nice lunch of tapas (my gift to my travelers), beach, and then more shopping. A few of my travelers picked up Cuban cigars. I told them that they were on their own if they got caught; told them to play the stupid American student who did not realize they were contraband. Afterwards, we all went out for a farwell drink then packing for our return to the US.
Day 11, return to US: Thank God we did not have an early flight; we were able to have breakfast together and prepare. Students rather rude all day. 8:30 bus to airport for our 11:35 flight to London. Four hour layover. Lots of shopping- they had Harrod's. I saw Joanne Lumley (I believe it was her) in a perfume shop. Long flight to Chicago. Bus to Rockford; arrived just after midnight.

Reflection
Overall, it was a nice trip, but I do not know if I really want to travel with students again. I enjoyed myself, for the most part, but the little complains, some whining, and outright rudness really got to me towards the end. Most of the time, I felt like I was working. After 6-7 days, the travelers started to get on my nerves. NETC, overall, provided a good tour, even though I found it very touristy and a bit rushed. For my travelers it was fine, not really into all of the history and culture. They were tired of museums and walking around sooner than I expected and did not want to do much of the extras I thought they would enjoy doing just us. I was happy to provide the assistant position to Ms. Baker, although she was nearly almost late and half-ready to do what was planned; always had to go back to her room for something before touring. In addition, I did not feel that my travelers were as nice as they could have been to her. To me, very few thank yous during the trip and I was basically ignored once we returned to the States- a couple of goodbyes at the bus station and then they were gone.

So now I am back.
Yard is a mess- needs a big clean out.
House was clean and David seems OK, although complaints about various things as soon as he picked me up from the bus (health, weather, groomer, etc.).
Call from Belvidere North for an interview.

I have lots to do.
Summer begins.

Final Week

Busy, busy, busy....

Final week of classes. I've already begun cleaning up my room, with about 80% finished. Passed back projects and papers lying around. Books boxed and stacked in the closets. This year they are barcoding everything- so if it is not labeled, it will belong to the district. My desk area is a mess, but so be it- I will tackle this area Friday or Monday (no students).

End of year for my 8th graders; took second part of final on Friday. For the majority, the realization that the test was nearly verbatim from the study guide was a slap in the face. Honestly, I expected a lot of 100s, but only a few in the end. All of them thought it was easy; only a minor few earned less than a B on the test; again, they should have done the study guide.

Final exam for my HS class is Wednesday. What am I going to do with them until then? More review and pray that they do the study guide. I may collect it from them for a grade to ensure that they do some of the work. Soon, alas, this headache will be over.

Last day for me is the 8th, and then Spain on the 9th. I am way behind on my own organization and packing for the trip. I need to get a list together; shopping with Mom on the 7th.

I am excited and nervous. Not sure how it will all turn out being with students and on a tour. I just hope I will not have to babysit a drunken idiot or deal with personality issues (among students) or have an arrogant/ condescending tour guide.

I do not know if David and I will have an argument or not. I will say a 50-50 chance. Some days, I believe it is coming, but other days, no. I am not sure- anticipation.

Otherwise: the good and bad.
Garden doing OK, although a lot of work.
Gym OK, although still fat.
Job search OK, although no replies thus far.

Mixed

Finished plans during the week; mid-quarter grades done.
Today- yard work. First mow.

Week had severe ups and downs, mainly student behaviors driving me nuts. End-of-year non-compliance. Yes, typical and expected, but still on my nerves.
Can I go a week without writing a referral? I don't know.

Otherwise, everything else is a swirl: I know it is there, but it is all mixed up.
Too many directions, options, desires. Focus is blurred a bit and "just showing up" mentality is beginning to show.

Just lots to do.

INK

Chicago yesterday to work on tattoo; Alas, the triptych is finished (although still some to do).
Tim did a nice job.

I was a bit worried taking the day off.
I scheduled an open-book exam, hoping to appease the weary and preempt any behavior issues.
I fear the worst for my study hall and homeroom.
I guess I will just have to see if the sub left me any notes.

Busy weekend, as usual.
Behind, as usual.

Wanting to work in the yard, but....

Way too much to do.
Pile of school work, although I finished grading tests (4 hours): Lessons; figuring out the end of year plans; quarter and semester exams. Busy busy.
Spain meeting next weekend- packet for that.
Plans for front entry of school (service credit for FLIC).

Garden needs attention.
Crocuses finished; daffodils blooming.
Lots of crowning: bleeding hearts; wild ginger, irises.
Bloodroot opened today- too bad they only last a day or so. I love the way the flower comes up through curled leaves.
Rain later today and tomorrow- just no time anyway.

Otherwise, a typical weekend.

David and I seem to have hit a rift. Not quite sure yet.

Easter

Just a regular day.
Long list of things to do- procrastination, as is par.
Mind going in different directions.

Memories past:

Pile it on....

Ditto from last week; Stress and more stress.
I think I hit a pinnacle during the week and now at plateau, now used to the tremor.

Just a lot of things piling on other things. Layer upon layer upon layer.
How did I get into this mess?
Rather, how did I allow myself to get into this mess.

It is Spring, par season for regrets.

Not quite sure what to fix and how to fix it. Mouth/action seems to only add more fuel to the fires.
Best to just stay still and quiet.

Guess I will just have to ride it out.

Easter Break- long weekend.
Busy, as usual, and that just piles on and on.
Free moments are stolen from time that I should be doing something else. (Like right now).

Not sure what to do.
God save my soul.

Plate continues to pile up....

Bad week.... conflicts; internal and external.

The list is long; very long. Not at my best this week FOR SURE.
Skipped the gym; student issues; Spain issues; work issues.

I believe that I've come to the conclusion that I have to look for a job in the 'burbs. Sad on the one hand, but somewhat settling on the other- the decision is (almost) made. See, still a hesitation. In my mind, I've worked on the pros and cons, and the bottom line is a MONEY issue. I will not earn what I need in Freeport for years, something I can not wait for.

I enjoy my job, but I guess not enough.

This stress has affected me quite a bit this week. Mood is not so good; my students have received the brunt of it. Perhaps next week will be better.

So, position search, resume and portfolio on the agenda. Lots to do there.
I've already asked for letters of recommendation from a few teachers. We shall see.

I need to get back on-track. So much has gotten off-the-mark lately.

PROCRASTINATION

Just bad....
End of break and I'm faced with my usual TTD list and, as par, it is not moving.

Rethink; reorganize.

Just a heavy plate, I think. Too much circling my head- too many "life-changing" choices with uncertainty circling above.

Right choice/ wrong choice.

I need to get ready for next week- I've pretty much exhausted other procrastination outlets- house is clean, errands done. Although..... STOP!

So, this is today:
I need to prep for the week- Outline for unit 4 and plans for next week at the very least.

Again, things pushed to the wayside.
Not a good place to be.

Friday

Yesterday, I completed most of the yard cleanup. Finally, some sense of accomplishment!
Too wet to work in the west beds and I did not get all of the trees done. I have a few piles of branches scattered around- another project for another day. Maybe Easter weekend (2 weeks from now). I have the garden bug.... beds to thoroughly clean out and reset. Perhaps, as I've said before, working in the garden is therapy.

My mind has been working on the job topic.
I believe this is the bottom line: There is no real desire to move to Freeport. I love the job, but not the community nor the politics.
If we are to stay in this house, I need to make more money. And not just a bit here or there for doing extra things at school, rather a bigger salary.
So this means that I need to get things done to pursue such options: resume, portfolio, job search..... there goes my summer.

I think I will still promote the Costa Rica trip, finding someone who would be willing to take it over if I find another position.

Today is Friday, my last day of spring break.... reflection is not so good, as things not accomplished and it will be a busy weekend to be ready for next week- When is it not?

Spring Break

Busy... but then lazy.

Slight addiction to facebook, perhaps, as I spend a lot of time there. I has been interesting, and Monday I had lunch with Kathleen (Kenehan) on Monday. Nice to see/ hear from people from the past. Too much time on it.... I have a slew of things to do.

I had David sign up on facebook.... partly so he could connect to some of his past friends (it has been interesting for me; share a common interest) and then the other reason, at least in part, to allieveate whatever cat-and-mouse he plays late at night.

Thus far this week:
Went to Freeport to look at houses. Sunday, I went on my own for 'open houses' and then yesterday with a realtor. Not that impressed (but budget is 70G or less, preferrably less). And then there is still the debate of whether or not Freeport is where I want to be.
I have been looking at the ISBE for posted positions. There are a few of interest- so I need to get resume and portfolio updated. This is another debate.

Spent some time in the yard; plan is again today after a couple days of rain- tomorrow there is plan for more- and then possibility of snow, so it is today or it is not going to happen.
Clean up and assessment: mowing the dead down, trimming, cleaning up garbage. The front is done, at least as much as can be done. I accidently cut the electrical cord with the hedge clippers- but David fixed (such a different mentality- I was just going to buy a new one). Today, I will just continue the pattern.
Crocuses starting; daffodils and tulips crowning. Even some of the daylilies are popping up. Ground will heave soon.
So much to do out there.

Not so much school work completed thus far- at least not as much I would have liked to have done at this point. Grading finished (essays took me a while); plans started; Spain packet started; Costa Rica is stagnant.

Gym continues to be on-again, off-again.

My sleeping schedule is really f'd up. I need to get it back in gear or I will be a mess next week.

So, today is Thursday.
Reassess, reorganize- and just get the stuff done!

More ups than downs.... well, maybe.

A nice pleasant weekend- 50s, after so much rain.
Yard is a mess, but other needs await. Yes, another busy weekend.
Change- I need it.

Next week is the last week of 3rd quarter, so exams. This week was all review. I really have no worry about my JHS classes, but I did give my "I am tired of spoon-feeding you" speech to my HS class- they (the majority) are just a bunch of lazy SOBs (sorry).

Monday- verbal and draft for essay.
Tuesday- multiple choice
Wednesday- essay.

I went over the test, more or less, on Friday.
I am going to presume that Monday tutoring is going to be busy.

Other school stuff...

I had my Spain meeting on Tuesday. NETC changed us to another trip (similar) due to low enrollment and that no other school was taking same trip. More expensive trip actually (somehow my travelers were getting a partial refund), but no day on the beach. We added the day, and at most, it will cost $35 for the day. I do not know- very confusing.
The meeting went well, mas o menos, with a 12-page packet about everything I could think about- things I wanted my travelers to think about.
And then Cheryl drops out- her mother is ill. I asked David, but who knows. With Candi being in the state she is in, probably not such a good idea. Still, considering our little argument a couple months back, he should consider going. I have a few days at most to replace her, or I do not have a chaperone- I do not have to have one. I asked a couple of teachers (not from my dept.) and family. We will see.

Costa Rica approved- that meeting this Thursday. Meeting with EF rep this afternoon.

Meeting with Burke (Dir of Curr) on Thursday went well. Spoke about developing a class for Spanish-speakers, but I really asked her to come to discuss the prerequisite issue. She acted like she did not know the HS eliminated the prerequisites for first-year foreign langauge, but Cheryl said that she probably did know- "How could she not?" I gave her the data she asked for. No word from Kathy or the Department.

On the homefront...

David decided to back out of the condo offer. Too many shifts and uncertainties. He has not said much afterwards and does not seem to be actively looking otherwise.

We need to make a plan, not just for the house, but other things.

I have not moved much on my resume or portfolio- career goes into the plan.

Gym schedule better this week.

Otherwise...

Another long list of things to do this weekend, and, as par, not getting much of it done in a timely manner.

Time wasted on facebook.com.

Speaking of..... hooked up with a number of HS people and others I knew back then. Michelle Cooper, not from LP, but friends with someone from the swim team (Edith?) who I hung around with one summer, uploaded some pix from when we all went to Great America (87 maybe).

Rains

Lots and lots of rain this weekend- front already flooded a bit.
A bit of a hiatus now, but more to come.

Week somewhat up and down- mood is waining a bit.

ISAT last week; my schedule all over the place.
HS class lazier than anything I have ever seen. I believe since most will not pass, they just do not do anything.
With quarter exams before break, I decided that next week is all review (ISAT continues on Monday), with exams M-W the week following.

Costa Rica approved.
Need to get that moving.
Spain meeting next week- 90 days before departure.

I have started looking for another teaching position. I do not know if I would leave Freeport next year, but I really need to make more money. If summer school pans out, I will stay. Still, I have to see what is out there, particularly in the 'burbs- more $.

Meeting with Director of Curriculum next week. She needs to know what I think the District should do with Foreign Language (class for native speakers; a slower-paced class offering) as I find that my suggestions fall on deaf ears and I need to know what the District has planned for me.

Numbers for next year 8th grade Spanish are down. I have voiced my concerns about having another year similar to this one. We shall see- probably, three or four JHS classes and two HS classes. I told her I want Spanish II (to finish the book) and would like Spanish III (coveted level). With the prerequisite gone for HS foreign language next year, no one wants HS Spanish I. It is going to be messy.

Hearing aids meeting next week; fitting. We shall see.

As for the house.... David filled out contract for condo; he dad is going to pay for it since we are unable to get mortgage (too many rentals in complex). So, that is it I guess. Sad. After we get the keys, work will begin there, and after moving, work will begin here.

Who knows about the house.... Rent/ sell? Walk away? The market is so bad, the potental for the latter is quite possible. I need to get plants out before it happens.

Gym has been up and down this past week. Too tired- it is the emotional roller coaster.

So much to do this weekend, not sure where to begin.

March

It is March and the countdown begins.... 3 months+/- until the end of the school year.

Busy week last week:

Ended OK, although Friday's fiesta was a bit of a headache. Friday, I was in such a rush for everything, I forgot to do things and by the end of the school day I was beat. Salsas OK; few videos; family tree presentations less-than OK.

Students begin to falter now (March). Many will have trouble, some big trouble soon.

My evaluation, 'exemplary.'

Skating with FLIC yesterday. Drove out to Lena (NW of Freeport). Fun with no major falls. What has it been- 25 years?

Busy week coming up (somewhat). Next week we have ISAT T-F, so I am somewhat off the hook- although I have my HS class to deal with.

Viajero meeting on Friday. I know I am going to be cracking the whip.

Bank accepted offer for condo- it will be a while though. Closing is set for the 20th, but they have to submit disclosures, which, in my opinion, will end up breaking the deal. I do not believe the condo association is financially stable. If the deal goes through, it will be a while anyway- hole to fix (association job) and interior work. I have my hesitations otherwise.

And then this house to get in order- endless list of things to do- for sale or rent.

Lots to do. Lots to do.

Final Snow?

Six inches of snow last night, and still a bit more. We are under a storm watch until early evening. Pretty, but I was looking forward to spring. Just have to wait a bit longer I guess.

Last week, another round of ups and downs- and still fighting the balance:

I presented the Costa Rica trip to the Board on Tuesday. I should hear something next week. Again, I am a bit torn because I do not know if I am going to stay at Freeport.

Thursday, I had an observation. It did not go as well as I hoped, but it was OK. Part of it was because I was somewhat teaching from the hip (change in plans) and the other reason was due to the hour (7th is not always the best, with some demonstration of why). I have not heard back, but I assume everything was OK. Students were engaged.

After school on Thursday, a guardian of one of my HS students came in. Student is not doing well and has had a series of behavior issues. Went OK, but nothing really resolved.

Friday, the FL/IC bake sale- which I believe went well. After, the movie activity, which did not go so well, but OK.

Friday, David put an offer in on that condo we looked at. I am still not sure, but I have accepted that we need to get out from this house.

As for next week:
Need to finish unit 3.2 by Thursday.
Fiesta on Friday.
FL/IC skating activity on Saturday.

Otherwise.... somewhat OK, but like I said, a bit out-of-balance.

Off-game

Just not the way things should be.... a lot of frustration this week.

We are going to have to get rid of the house- obvious fact. Another heavy discussion about it. A couple of repos as options. Condo in Rockford is actually nice size, but needs work and not in decent area. Actually, a nervous area (at least to me). I would rather get a house for the garden, but then again, these repos need work and is there time and money for that. The condo is now down to 15G; we have not looked at any homes (but in similar range). Really, a sad situation.
Move to Freeport? Ugh! It is a quandary. Life could be easier, but could also be worse for the wear.

This, of course, reflects on my financials. My responsibilities on daily living cover daily expenses (groceries and the like, some bills), but it is just not enough. My salary is not what is needed in the bigger picture of life. These couple of years in Spanish will look good on a resume- which means that I have to look for a position with a higher salary base. Freeport has the good and the bad, which will be in any district, but the salary and the benefits are in the bad- which, at the end of the pay period, affect and/or add to our current situation. Still, at the end of most days, I do feel that I do make a difference.
Teaching this week was somewhat 'going through the motions.' I set the week up for heavy review of first semester material, I had to somewhat take the blame for some of my own disappointment of student achievement. Then again, some students are just NOT DOING WHAT THEY NEED TO DO to succeed- and I can not take the blame for than, nor should I turn it into some self-defecating mind-fuck. At the end of the week, with a review exam (essay), I am hoping to see improvement (still have to grade), but I am not holding my breath with certain students.
And then I am going to the Board next week for my Costa Rica trip... Can I really push the trip when I may not be around? Is that fair to the students who sign up? I do not know.

This also reflects David and I. Ups and downs and all-arounds. What do I feel? What is love? Sometimes I just feel so jaded. When things get stressful between us, I return to the 'flight,' whereas when he needs protection, I am in the 'fight.' It is so hard to define- should it be so hard to define?
He needs to decide what to do with his life, as I need to do with mine. I believe that if we were better individuals, perhaps we would be a better couple.
His heath concerns are my concerns, but sometimes I get so tired of his complaining. I understand that there is no cure for CFS and his allergies, only tolerance. Still, there has to be a balance. I feel bad.
Spain is an obvious thorn.

And then there are a handful of other things, but they add to the mix.

Overall.... I am in the in-between.
Stuck in some unknown, between two jagged parallels: painful. Someone has to pick me up and move me to a safer place or I will eventually fall to the bottom, sides worn down due to constant friction of the elements of life.

But so is life, at least my life. It has been this way for so long. Fighting desire v. reality; ignoring obvious clues and insights in lieu of idealization.

I need it to all play-out as quick as possible. It may be more painful, but then the long-term throb will be over.

Oh, yea.... Happy Valentine's Day. Chinese and a nice bottle of wine last night for dinner.
Little expectation for much else- a learned behavior. Sad.

Winter Thaw?

50s today- Wow! Not quite yet though.
All week will be upper 30s-40s..... and then back to the 20s and maybe a bit of snow.
My mind moves to the gardens. I need to focus this year: What is important and what is not in the yard. Too much to do otherwise.
I have to PLAN this year; not just work.
(Who knows if we will be here anyway.- So why bother, eh?)

Still, so much to do, so much to do.

Rollercoaster week at school:
HS students have been predictably worrisome (and troublesome as well). Some days I just wish I could kick a few of them in the pants- perhaps a stroke of reality cause-and-effect will allow them to see their error of ways. Thus, I have decided that this class is going to be 'content only' with no extras. It is not worth the inner-toil, really, and so many of them are so lazy that they do not have the experiences I wish them to have because they CHOOSE not to do the work. So, it will be as much in-class as I can fit. I may go 'assessment only' with weekly participation and homework for this class as well- again, they do not do the work anyway. I do not know yet.
JHS students have been a mixed-bag this week.... Ups and downs all over the place.
So many Ds and Fs right now I am beside myself.
It is time for a reevaluation and reconnection to the subject and students.
What is really important and what is not for the demonstration of the objectives? Perhaps I need to throw out all of the extras for all classes.
And then I am WAY BEHIND on grading, which looks very bad.

Another very busy weekend.

Other things....
A general uneasiness, really. Nothing major, just a lot of little things.

Not such a good week.

No. 1
Sooner or later.... First argument about Spain. David found JC's and Ana's address in my computer bag after he noticed that I did not check 'monogamous relationship' on my Realjock profile. I did not know that he knew about the profile, but I should have assumed; not checking the relationship status was an oversight (updated in December). Deleted profile, of course, and have to assume he has search the internet for any remnants. (Old profiles lingering somewhere? Who knows.)
Well, the solution to calm any fears was for him to come with me to Spain or for me to drop. For him to go it was around $4500; Cheryl was less-than-enthused about taking over the trip (and opened up another can of worms). There is no money for him to travel, and then there are his medical issues and the dogs. Cheryl told me that she will not take over the trip.
In the end, taking students abroad will look good on my resume- so I am going. We agreed to drop it. I do not think he is completely happy about it, but it will do.

I know I have not been a complete angel. But what can you do. Life is what it is sometimes.
Conflict of reality and fantasy. What life is is not always what I wish it to be/ what I believe it should be.

No. 2
This lead to money issues, specifically the house. We need to fix the house/ sell the house; we need to downsize and stop hemorrhaging money. With the current market, we can probably find a cheap condo, move in, fix this house (without worry of David's allergies), and then sell it/ rent it out. It will be a lot of work and a lot of money- but it will have to do.
Still, David still does not have any sort of 'plan' for his life.

Nos. 3, 4, 5 & 6
Issues at school (besides the trip).
First, threatening messages found in the bathrooms, so we are now on permanent 'soft lockdown' (no passes/ unescorted students). Homeroom students just off-the-beam and I am tired of explaining that I can not allow students to leave the room to go to the bathroom or locker. Arguments and more arguments.
I have a study hall first hour this semester. Of course, a few students are always screw it up for everyone else.
One of my students returned from an extended vacation- gone a month. I can not believe the district allows this to be 'excused.' She did not do what I asked her to do over the vacation; is not doing what I've asked her to do now.
Our last FLIC meeting was a nightmare. I think it is time to cut it.

No. 7
Fat, fat, fat. Going to the gym every morning, but weight not changing much- get myself going by self-hatred thoughts. Negative. Negative. Still, I can not get myself to go over the weekends.

No. 8
Grandma in the hospital with pnomnia and now diagnosed with diabeties. She seems OK. Mom is going next week.

So a lot on my plate this week and a ton to do this weekend.
I assume issues will continue next week- what joy.

Second semester begins...

The extra two days of first semester (due to snow days) worked to a few students' advantage as they turned in his/her late work. Still, there were those that did not take advantage of the extra days.

For the most part, the semester ended as expected: 5th hour on top (although slipping) and my HS class far below. A handful of drops, but as expected, really. I did ask that a few not be dropped, as they are showing improvement (although still failing). Some still around, whereas they really should not be. I assume the parent refused the drop.

Began immersion process- teaching nearly all in Spanish. Obviously some students enjoy it, while others, particularly those that did not work during the first semester, seem a bit lost and wait for translations (as need, but limited).

For the weekend, I have to redo/ reorganize lesson plans. Tuesday, I went in somewhat blind and wrote out quick plans for the week (copy/pasted and changed plans I wrote over break). Week ended fine, although a bit out-of-order.

Viajero meeting Friday- leaving in 5 months. Again, most travelers and parents not showing up. Our next meeting in March, but I need passports in February. I will have to call home, I guess.

Tattoo meeting Monday with Tim (finally). Going to work on other arm to finish the triptych (archer) in April. He thinks that he might be moving, to Minnesota, so I do not know if we will finish the sleeve/ when we will finish the sleeve. Archer arm will be Arabic design, with motifs from the Alhambra. Ben will probably do the tile-design work.

Otherwise, OK.
Schedule still somewhat not going so well.
I need to get to the gym in the afternoons. My weight is swelling again; I feel the heaviness.

Things to do. Things to do.

Sunday

Getting work done, but still a bit lazy. Energy comes and goes and I seem to get side-tracked here and there. Still more things to do.
Today is Sunday, with a list of things to do (and feeling a bit lazy).
Tomorrow, car does in for routine service, then to Chicago to Deluxe to discuss next part(s), then lunch with Mom.... and the long-long weekend is over.

The semester has been extended through Wednesday due to the days off. I have already posted grades, but I am sure there will be some adjustments.

No Classes (again)

School called off today due to freezing temperatures. It is really cold, dangerously cold. Currently it is (-)14, with wind chills at (-)29. Tonight is supposed to be record-breaking cold, and more of the same tomorrow. So, I anticipate no school again.

It is very cold- fingers chill when I go out for a smoke. Frostbite warnings on the news for any exposed skin over 10-minutes.
I need to get out and shovel. I will have to do it in short bursts.

My students finished their exams. Good and bad, which is always anticipated. Of course, 5th hour on top and my HS class on the bottom. It will be an interesting couple of weeks into the 2nd semester- students dropping.

I have plenty to do with these days off- and Monday (MLK Day) for a five-day weekend: Costa Rica proposal; summer school proposal; review/ update plans; posting grades; things around the house and errands; hearing aid issues (applying for medicaid); etc. I started painting again over break and have a canvas to work on. I also want to update my portfolio. These days will not be wasted.

Always, I have things to do. The question is what I will do and not do- and then the inner-confrontation afterwords. It is all about the desire v. need. Ironic how I play the same argument against my students: They have to want to learn Spanish to be successful with the language.

For today... slept until 7:30.
Getting a TTD list together.
Probably putz around the house with projects and other things.

Tomorrow.
Probably more of the same. Too cold to go out and about.
Clean the car.
Pay day; pay bills.

For the weekend and Monday:
Windshield replaced; cracked yesterday on drive home. Probably a combination of a previous rock pin-hole and heat v. cold.
Whole foods with Sara and bi-weekly errands.
On Monday, I am going to Chicago to Deluxe to plan out the sleeve (Tim) and other arm (Ben) and seeing Mom.

So, busy, busy, as usual.

Obama take office next week; inauguration on the 20th.
Seems to be a huge event- four days (pre-inauguration events begin on the 17th). I believe it is warranted, as this is something quite historic. Still, with the state of the national economy, perhaps something low-key would have been more appropriate- better P.R. in my opinion.
I hope he is true to his word and promotes a 'change' in the way the government runs itself. Thus far, I hear a lot of hope- but nothing much else. After his meeting with former presidents, perhaps he realized that there is not much that can be changed with the D.C. political machine with damage, as it seems that his recent words are more in tune with usual policy.
David is already complaining..... not something I wish to hear. I want to hear what he has to say at his inauguration and then see what he proposes and accomplishes in his first 90-days before making judgment.

Sex

Friday.
I think the last was at the beginning of break, but an actual f* has been a long, long time. A couple of years (?).
Good/ bad. Somewhat out-of-sync; it has been awhile.

Yesterday, David wanted to talk about it.
I had said before (post-Spain arguments) that our relationship was not at that particular place anymore; sex was not important, nor an obligation.
I felt like he was kind of throwing this statement back at me.... I asked if he was complaining. He said , "no."

Otherwise....
Last week of the semester- hurrah!
School year 1/2 over.
Exams. It's going to be good or bad- it will depend on the students. Did they study or not? It is all multiple-choice, so it should be easy. But,who knows.
And then we begin unit 3- Puerto Rico.
Fiesta Feb 20 +/- (salsas and video).

Busy day yesterday: gym, shovel, glasses, laundry, clean house.
Today, somewhat lazy with a list of things to do (but not too bad). Tired. Skipped the gym.
Not too bad of a week ahead, really. Let's see how it goes.

1st week after break

Good; bad.... it is always such and in between.
It was a week of review, which I thought would be an easy week; alas, no. Students not prepared, not scoring well on the in-class activities (mini-quiz), and just not at the level I expected. Still, it was the first week back after break.
In any event, either they will do well or not on the exams- JHS Monday and Tuesday (may go into Wednesday); HS Wednesday (extended hour).

Costa Rica trip declined, but I do not think the HS principal really looked at it. He thought the trip was for this Spring Break, not next. I guess there are annual trips during that time with the Theater Dept. and Music Dept. I can resubmit. I am thinking about changing the trip- tour and/or company leading.

Hearing appointment last Monday. Of course, a bit more decline, which I expected. My hearing aids are too old to service now (12 years?), so I need a new pair at around 7G. Meeting with IL Disability Services on Monday to see about getting some financial assistance.

Gym every morning this past week. A bit of a struggle, but working. I have to get the afternoon workouts in this week (Tuesday and Thursday only). I see a bit of a 'chunk', but not necessarily over-weight (around 200). We shall see.

Glenview looking for Spanish and Art teachers for next year. I need to get my portfolio together. Would I take it? I do not know. Depends on a lot of things.

Otherwise, busy weekend, once again, although I finished plans during the break.
Snow.

School resumes tomorrow....

Excited to get back to school; back to a schedule.
I find that when I have things to do (a schedule), I am more productive with other things, not to mention a more-pleasant person. Otherwise, I find myself sitting around in a drab mood, not wanting to do much of anything.

Still, I am anticipating a few problems, perhaps. I don't know. I just have that 'feeling' that something is going to go awry.

Last day.... getting things ready for week ahead and back into routines.

For the New Year?

Health/ Physical
Well, I returned to the gym. This is going to be a priority this year. Come hell-or-high water, I am going to stick with it.
Paying more attention to what I eat.
No, I am not going to quit smoking. Something just not worth the inner-conflict right now. Yes, I know it is bad, and yes, I know, I know.
I am going to try to get back into a day and night routine (skin, teeth, etc). It will be hard at first, but eventually will work itself out.
Appointments already for dentist, ears, eyes, skin. I am way past-due for a hearing test and eye exam. Dentist in March, possible bleaching again, but probably not this year. Dermatologist appointment to mainly talk about hair. I returned to using Rogain, but I do not know if it is working or not (maybe a little). I need his opinion.
I should find a regular doctor; also, therapist.
Also, appointment at Deluxe for more ink.

Career
Updating my portfolio. I really think I need to get in with a suburban district. Not that I do not like my job and school, but, over-thinking during break, I really have issue with the district community politics. At least, I should see what is out there and what options I have.
Honestly, as long as gas prices stay low, I am OK with the salary. It is not great, but not horrible- whereas, the insurance is something else. It would be very nice to make 40G a year, but what will the other costs be?
Also, see about getting Master's degree. I am leaning towards linguistics. Still, I owe a lot of money on school loans, so I do not know if this is realistic. Rockford does not offer a linguistics program. I will look at Northern and other IL state schools.

Relationships
David and I have been OK, actually better than OK, lately. Sex is still far and few, but it will be what it will be. My libido is just not there anymore.
I am going to try to be nicer to David's family. I think the divide is deep though and may turn out to only be a gesture.
I am going to call my family more often and see them more often. It has been two years since I've seen Dad and Grandma. Mom, I see every few months; Adam, a bit longer in between.
I am going to try to get Grandma to move here.

Financials
Savings is OK, but not great. I need to be habitual and put money away every check- even if only $50. I've been trying to do 10% on the first check of the month, but, at times, I find that I pull it back out before the next check.
After $1000, which is my goal this year, $500 to go into another investment scheme.

Home
Get this place done!
Fix what needs to be fixed; Update what need to be updated; Clean out and organize.

Other things for 2009...
Spain in June. Something to look forward to, but also something a bit nerve racking: finally, a return to Sevilla (excited); overseas trip with students (nervous); potential conflict 'conversation' with David (very nervous).

Sadly, Candi will probably not finish the year. Maybe she will, but slowly, I believe, she is loosing the battle with age. She still wags her tail and is alert. I hope she will pass in her sleep. Otherwise, it will be a mess.

And I don't really know what else.
I found the 'goals' and 'reinvention' books, but I have not looked at them yet.
I began painting again. Been a long time for that. I do not expect much from the first few, but we shall see.

Otherwise,
things to do.
Things to do.