We are going to have to get rid of the house- obvious fact. Another heavy discussion about it. A couple of repos as options. Condo in Rockford is actually nice size, but needs work and not in decent area. Actually, a nervous area (at least to me). I would rather get a house for the garden, but then again, these repos need work and is there time and money for that. The condo is now down to 15G; we have not looked at any homes (but in similar range). Really, a sad situation.
Move to Freeport? Ugh! It is a quandary. Life could be easier, but could also be worse for the wear.
This, of course, reflects on my financials. My responsibilities on daily living cover daily expenses (groceries and the like, some bills), but it is just not enough. My salary is not what is needed in the bigger picture of life. These couple of years in Spanish will look good on a resume- which means that I have to look for a position with a higher salary base. Freeport has the good and the bad, which will be in any district, but the salary and the benefits are in the bad- which, at the end of the pay period, affect and/or add to our current situation. Still, at the end of most days, I do feel that I do make a difference.
Teaching this week was somewhat 'going through the motions.' I set the week up for heavy review of first semester material, I had to somewhat take the blame for some of my own disappointment of student achievement. Then again, some students are just NOT DOING WHAT THEY NEED TO DO to succeed- and I can not take the blame for than, nor should I turn it into some self-defecating mind-fuck. At the end of the week, with a review exam (essay), I am hoping to see improvement (still have to grade), but I am not holding my breath with certain students.
And then I am going to the Board next week for my Costa Rica trip... Can I really push the trip when I may not be around? Is that fair to the students who sign up? I do not know.
This also reflects David and I. Ups and downs and all-arounds. What do I feel? What is love? Sometimes I just feel so jaded. When things get stressful between us, I return to the 'flight,' whereas when he needs protection, I am in the 'fight.' It is so hard to define- should it be so hard to define?
He needs to decide what to do with his life, as I need to do with mine. I believe that if we were better individuals, perhaps we would be a better couple.
His heath concerns are my concerns, but sometimes I get so tired of his complaining. I understand that there is no cure for CFS and his allergies, only tolerance. Still, there has to be a balance. I feel bad.
Spain is an obvious thorn.
And then there are a handful of other things, but they add to the mix.
Overall.... I am in the in-between.Stuck in some unknown, between two jagged parallels: painful. Someone has to pick me up and move me to a safer place or I will eventually fall to the bottom, sides worn down due to constant friction of the elements of life.
But so is life, at least my life. It has been this way for so long. Fighting desire v. reality; ignoring obvious clues and insights in lieu of idealization.
I need it to all play-out as quick as possible. It may be more painful, but then the long-term throb will be over.
Oh, yea.... Happy Valentine's Day. Chinese and a nice bottle of wine last night for dinner.Little expectation for much else- a learned behavior. Sad.
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