Countdown.

Monday, Aug 10.
Begins my last week of 'summer.' Anxious, uncomfortable; I am stewing a lot.

Summer, for what the word defines to me, is no longer what it once was: the period between school years, with the time spent at swim meets, "hanging out," and the annual family vacation to Florida, lying on a beach, eating loads of shrimp from a bucket, and, perhaps, a roller coaster or two. Later, during my overzealous high school year, after my parents separated and after I 'came out,' summer was Chicago, with my fake ID and a wanting smile, patios of margarita pitchers, drunken madness, leading to unmentionable activities.

Yes, somewhat nostalgic, realizing that the good came with the bad. It was not always angelic; my behaviors were not always exemplary, and continued for over a decade. Fun as it was, nevertheless, it always came with a cost, and, in one way or another, continues to haunt because that state of mind still exists. I must remember that I am no longer 17, as painful as it may be.

So now, late-30s, as a teacher during this in-between season, and with a long list of responsibilities, related and unrelated, summer is just about over. Once again, I am faced with a long list of things I never got to, another season without a vacation, a few rounds with David, another chapter about to close (or one that will not end).

As you can tell, I am in one of my narrative moods; I am searching for something, channeling someone else to put this all into perspective. I believe this part of my disassociated behavior, as if watching from the outside. I separate the ego from the id in an attempt to figure it all out.

"If you continue to do what you are doing, you are going to get what you are always getting," an interesting quote from Harry Wong from infamous book, The First Days of School, something I read to prepare for the school year. "If you continue to do what you are doing, you are going to get what you are always getting." I've had the book for years. Funny how I've skimmed over the quote countless times before, but this summer, it sticks with me. "If you continue to do what you are doing, you are going to get what you are always getting." If I continue to do what I am doing, I am going to get what I am always getting.

So what am I getting?

Conflict.

There exists a conflict between desire and need, between want and responsibility, between me and myself. I ride the gray line, stepping over to either side on occasion, knowing that these areas can create havoc for me and all involved.

But, as I have learned, it is easier to ride the line, although it may create inner-turmoil. Most days I feel it is safer to be in a state of self-hatred from tireless regret; I am not sure, if not afraid of, what it would bring if I directed these feelings to someone else, although I believe it has come close.

It is almost easier to do nothing, than to do something and later face the potential disappointment. But to do nothing, guarantees that I will have to face it again tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. It is the procrastinator's mantra; familiar. And I am tired of returning to the same spot, deepening the over-run tracks of the cycle.

Change. I desire change, or at least some resolution.
If I continue to do what I am doing, I am going to get what I am always getting, and resolution is not the end result. But change takes effort and can be painful. My all-or-nothing mentality nearly guarantees the latter.

I need focus and determination.
I need to STOP procrastinating and playing the "what if/ if only" mind game.

I need to look at the full plate and just take care of it: "Feel the fear and do it anyway."
But, alas, the fear overruns, as does the guilt and self-defeating waves of thought.

I need to work my way out of this state, before it becomes bigger, more controlling than it already is. Now, I can read my self-help books and wander through my mind, making lists and more lists verbatim of those before. Or, I can really make an effort, in lieu of the half-ass going-though-the-motions as I have done before, and really work.

Hmm. It is going to be an interesting day.