Feels more like spring than late fall.... near 60.
Had snow in November, but long gone now.
Thinking that this has prevented my holiday blahs from kicking in.
Still, holidays.....
Not finished shopping yet.
No tree up yet. Might get a small real tree this year, but still TBD.
Subbed for principal at elementary school yesterday, and kind of liked it.
Not the mess of middle school and high school, but messes nevertheless- just different.
Had a handful of problematic students, but OK. Lots of conversations.
Getting frustrated with Trey and his attitude- what he wants to do v. what he needs to do.
His school work is not getting done as it needs to be done, affecting his overall grades.
Not reading instructions- missing things, again affecting his grades.
Kantorei concert tonight, and will probably pull him from that.
Going to pull him from the B&G Club as well.
Anticipating a lot of stress to turn this around.
Busy, busy, busy with school.
Piles of work to grade and lessons to do.
Next week is going to be crazy.
12.12.15
22.11.15
November
First big snow- started Friday night and continued all day Saturday. Officially, just about 9", but I think we received more than that. Big melt this week, as we'll hit 50s on Thursday.
Winter has begun, and mood has followed.
Ahh, yes, work.
Love it, hate it. Seems to be the same every year.
Love teaching, hate everything else that goes with it- politics, personalities, etc.
Time time to quit? No.
But I am tired of the time.
Time is in the bigger picture as well- I feel like I just don't have the time. Feel like there is not enough time.
Why? Premonition?
Why do I feel like I do not have time?
Winter has begun, and mood has followed.
Ahh, yes, work.
Love it, hate it. Seems to be the same every year.
Love teaching, hate everything else that goes with it- politics, personalities, etc.
Time time to quit? No.
But I am tired of the time.
Time is in the bigger picture as well- I feel like I just don't have the time. Feel like there is not enough time.
Why? Premonition?
Why do I feel like I do not have time?
4.7.15
Rollercoaster
Bad mind fuck yesterday.
Perhaps trying to quit smoking in the middle of this mess was not the best idea.
Still reeling a bit today, but better.
We'll see how the day goes.
Perhaps trying to quit smoking in the middle of this mess was not the best idea.
Still reeling a bit today, but better.
We'll see how the day goes.
2.7.15
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
So there is the diagnosis.
Not sure if I buy it or not, but it does make some sense.
We'll have to see where it goes.
Not sure if I buy it or not, but it does make some sense.
We'll have to see where it goes.
27.6.15
Return from Disney..... missed the "magic".
Returned yesterday.... still digesting. Not quite sure what to write.
Sad that what should have been a wonderful vacation experience, once again, just turned out to be a headache for me.
Mom is getting old and she is stubborn and she gets mean (recall Spain).
I believe she realized her limits and just crapped-out.
Still, I think Trey had a good time, although I know he was aware of what was going on.
My mood probably did not help anything- worrying too much about Mom.
I'll take him back- try to do it again in a positive light.
Sad that what should have been a wonderful vacation experience, once again, just turned out to be a headache for me.
Mom is getting old and she is stubborn and she gets mean (recall Spain).
I believe she realized her limits and just crapped-out.
Still, I think Trey had a good time, although I know he was aware of what was going on.
My mood probably did not help anything- worrying too much about Mom.
I'll take him back- try to do it again in a positive light.
17.6.15
Summer melt
Just rather irritated.
Full plate of things to do, mind you I have procrastinated most of it, and just not enough time in the day, nor desire.
Trey not at camp today- set off the big alarm. But it is not about the alarm, rather the fact that I am physically tired, woke up late (has been later and later as the summer has gone on), and just feeling inconvenienced.
Applying for jobs- yes, no, I don't know. I am not looking forward to next year- class schedule, returning to the long days, etc. We'll see where it goes.
Thinking that I might just pick up an go to the 'burbs and sub for the year, with the hope that something will pop open. Have not figured out all of the logistics.
Just not my day.
Full plate of things to do, mind you I have procrastinated most of it, and just not enough time in the day, nor desire.
Trey not at camp today- set off the big alarm. But it is not about the alarm, rather the fact that I am physically tired, woke up late (has been later and later as the summer has gone on), and just feeling inconvenienced.
Applying for jobs- yes, no, I don't know. I am not looking forward to next year- class schedule, returning to the long days, etc. We'll see where it goes.
Thinking that I might just pick up an go to the 'burbs and sub for the year, with the hope that something will pop open. Have not figured out all of the logistics.
Just not my day.
5.6.15
Summer blues.....
Really?
Yep.
Started to creep in yesterday, and now pretty much full-blown.
Crescendo building. Not sure what it is going to be.
Sent online application for Spanish job in Marengo.
I have a job, and I know I said that I would keep it, but I just don't want it.
Yes, everyone can have a rough year, but I worry that I will have another.
Reflection on the past year, and what I will have next year..... just not where I want to be.
If there is not going to be longevity, why stick around, right?
Other internal issues, but work is the big one.
Just not sure of many things today.
Flood gates are opening.
Yep.
Started to creep in yesterday, and now pretty much full-blown.
Crescendo building. Not sure what it is going to be.
Sent online application for Spanish job in Marengo.
I have a job, and I know I said that I would keep it, but I just don't want it.
Yes, everyone can have a rough year, but I worry that I will have another.
Reflection on the past year, and what I will have next year..... just not where I want to be.
If there is not going to be longevity, why stick around, right?
Other internal issues, but work is the big one.
Just not sure of many things today.
Flood gates are opening.
24.5.15
Home stretch
Last week of school coming up.
Looking forward to the end; probably the first time I'm looking forward to the summer break.
Two days after the last student day, I'll be done.
Evaluation was "proficient" overall.
Some short-falls, but they were expected.
A few excellents- so it balances.
Guess I will not be getting my tenure in two years- but I knew that.
Feeling that life is at an impasse.
A lot in the in between.
David and I are a bit on edge.
Shortness.
Parenting conflicts.
Life issues.
Went to see the Egan house- back on the market.
Thinking it is a no-go.
Just too much work to be done. Financially, just might be too much.
Been going to therapy to sort things out.
Went to the in-house psychiatrist, and no meds.
He thinks my state is more "mid-life" than anything else.
He does not see the long term; believes it is situational.
Not sure where all of this is going to lead.
Looking forward to the end; probably the first time I'm looking forward to the summer break.
Two days after the last student day, I'll be done.
Evaluation was "proficient" overall.
Some short-falls, but they were expected.
A few excellents- so it balances.
Guess I will not be getting my tenure in two years- but I knew that.
Feeling that life is at an impasse.
A lot in the in between.
David and I are a bit on edge.
Shortness.
Parenting conflicts.
Life issues.
Went to see the Egan house- back on the market.
Thinking it is a no-go.
Just too much work to be done. Financially, just might be too much.
Been going to therapy to sort things out.
Went to the in-house psychiatrist, and no meds.
He thinks my state is more "mid-life" than anything else.
He does not see the long term; believes it is situational.
Not sure where all of this is going to lead.
3.5.15
OMG its May already- 1 month to go.
Excited for the end of the school year because it is the end of the school year.
Seems like another rough ending (but I have the position for next year).
One rough year of nine is not bad, and something I shared with admins after a "conversation" meeting at which it was stated that "you're not the same as you were two years ago", referring to how I have dealt with problematic issues. The school culture has changes and students are purposely mean and rude to adults and to other students. I really don't understand it- why students are behaving the way they are AND how everybody recognizes it, but there has not been any big initiative to change it (force a change).... My metaphor: You have strawberries and a kid allergic that keeps eating it- instead of dealing with the choices the kid makes, we are trying to change the strawberry.
Maybe I had a rose-colored nostalgic view.
Maybe going back was a mistake.
I am not going to let it ruin my career.
There is a position open in Byron.... hmmm.
I don't want to make another job change.
Nevertheless, I'm trying to just get through to the end- smiles, smiles, smiles- and curbing my reactions.
Last day for students, May 29.
For teachers, June 02.
Trey gets out the Friday after.
Biweekly therapy for a few months now.
Discussing medication- chronic depression and anxiety.
Do I really want to go that route?
Before the end of the school year, I have the end of my grad class.
Overall, OK, but I have a big paper due that I've been procrastinating (what else is new).
It is already written in my head, just have to type it up.
Slap-in-the-face for poor time management.
It will be done, as they are always done.
Home front is fine.
(The "fine" is what worries my therapist- mentioned that I never say good/bad, but everything is "fine"..... Not sure if I can really define good/bad much anymore. Have just accepted "fine" as that status quo and I guess that I'm just used to it.)
No real movement on the house rehab, although we had the gutters realigned and seasonal yard cleanup. David seems to have a plan, and I'm just letting him take charge of it.
The Egan house will be up for sale again. Spoke to the realtor, and the bank has fixed a handful of things. Price remains the same. Not officially posted yet, so we're waiting. We'll go and see. Not sure if I can handle a rather rural existence, even if the house is fantastic.
The Freeport house is still for sale- private sale. I think it is perfect, but really don't think I want to live where I work and I fear potential problems in the future. Also, I question my longevity at Freeport regardless where we are living. In-town is a waste if I am elsewhere; Out-of-town commute will eventually wear on me.
Trey is going through some hiccups again at school- behavior.
I think he is still working some kinks out, and it is going to take time. Sabrina is trying to get him to have some closure with his past, which may/may not be a cause. But I also think that some of his peers are not the best character examples, and Trey tends to be a follower, not a leader.
Really, no complaints...... he does well in school, he is active, and (I assume) he is pretty happy with his life here. Yes, he has to be (constantly) reminded of routines and expectations, but that is part of the life-learning curve, no?
Started going to church. David wanted us (rather Trey) to have some sort of spiritual connection, so he and I go to Good Shepard. I think we finally started going because I was feeling a rock-bottom personal status and I was searching for something. OK, but a bit boring- church routines and rituals. Everybody is nice. Not sure if I have the faith in me- I don't go up for communion.
Looking forward to getting the veggie garden going- have most of the plants, just need the time.
Summer is going to be busy- two grad classes; Disney in June; mini-road trip in July; Trey at Camp Winnebago (still have to sign him up).
Should probably go and see Dad again- maybe a weekend trip.
Lots to do around here.
Done.
Things to do.
Seems like another rough ending (but I have the position for next year).
One rough year of nine is not bad, and something I shared with admins after a "conversation" meeting at which it was stated that "you're not the same as you were two years ago", referring to how I have dealt with problematic issues. The school culture has changes and students are purposely mean and rude to adults and to other students. I really don't understand it- why students are behaving the way they are AND how everybody recognizes it, but there has not been any big initiative to change it (force a change).... My metaphor: You have strawberries and a kid allergic that keeps eating it- instead of dealing with the choices the kid makes, we are trying to change the strawberry.
Maybe I had a rose-colored nostalgic view.
Maybe going back was a mistake.
I am not going to let it ruin my career.
There is a position open in Byron.... hmmm.
I don't want to make another job change.
Nevertheless, I'm trying to just get through to the end- smiles, smiles, smiles- and curbing my reactions.
Last day for students, May 29.
For teachers, June 02.
Trey gets out the Friday after.
Biweekly therapy for a few months now.
Discussing medication- chronic depression and anxiety.
Do I really want to go that route?
Before the end of the school year, I have the end of my grad class.
Overall, OK, but I have a big paper due that I've been procrastinating (what else is new).
It is already written in my head, just have to type it up.
Slap-in-the-face for poor time management.
It will be done, as they are always done.
Home front is fine.
(The "fine" is what worries my therapist- mentioned that I never say good/bad, but everything is "fine"..... Not sure if I can really define good/bad much anymore. Have just accepted "fine" as that status quo and I guess that I'm just used to it.)
No real movement on the house rehab, although we had the gutters realigned and seasonal yard cleanup. David seems to have a plan, and I'm just letting him take charge of it.
The Egan house will be up for sale again. Spoke to the realtor, and the bank has fixed a handful of things. Price remains the same. Not officially posted yet, so we're waiting. We'll go and see. Not sure if I can handle a rather rural existence, even if the house is fantastic.
The Freeport house is still for sale- private sale. I think it is perfect, but really don't think I want to live where I work and I fear potential problems in the future. Also, I question my longevity at Freeport regardless where we are living. In-town is a waste if I am elsewhere; Out-of-town commute will eventually wear on me.
Trey is going through some hiccups again at school- behavior.
I think he is still working some kinks out, and it is going to take time. Sabrina is trying to get him to have some closure with his past, which may/may not be a cause. But I also think that some of his peers are not the best character examples, and Trey tends to be a follower, not a leader.
Really, no complaints...... he does well in school, he is active, and (I assume) he is pretty happy with his life here. Yes, he has to be (constantly) reminded of routines and expectations, but that is part of the life-learning curve, no?
Started going to church. David wanted us (rather Trey) to have some sort of spiritual connection, so he and I go to Good Shepard. I think we finally started going because I was feeling a rock-bottom personal status and I was searching for something. OK, but a bit boring- church routines and rituals. Everybody is nice. Not sure if I have the faith in me- I don't go up for communion.
Looking forward to getting the veggie garden going- have most of the plants, just need the time.
Summer is going to be busy- two grad classes; Disney in June; mini-road trip in July; Trey at Camp Winnebago (still have to sign him up).
Should probably go and see Dad again- maybe a weekend trip.
Lots to do around here.
Done.
Things to do.
8.4.15
Spring Break
Back from Dad's- extended weekend visit.
Fun trip for Trey overall- Gameworks; a Vegas buffet; Adventuredome.
Dad is getting old(er) and he's feeling it.
Apologies for things he's sorry for.
Paid off the mortgage.
He's thinking maybe 10 years; he has COPD.
Nothing much has changed around here:
- David still has not decided on a new car.
- We're still living in Rockford.
- Kitchen has not had any progress.
Our bedroom and bathroom are painted now.
Still have to rearrange.
As I get deeper into it, I'm feeling that Freeport was a bad decision.
I'll stay, but I'm not happy.
Feeling like everyday is a headache.
Slowly, I think I'm just losing the desire.
After break, only seven weeks left.
Last student day is 29 May, with teachers required the following Monday and Tuesday.
I think Trey gets out that Friday.
I am hoping it goes by quick.
Fun trip for Trey overall- Gameworks; a Vegas buffet; Adventuredome.
Dad is getting old(er) and he's feeling it.
Apologies for things he's sorry for.
Paid off the mortgage.
He's thinking maybe 10 years; he has COPD.
Nothing much has changed around here:
- David still has not decided on a new car.
- We're still living in Rockford.
- Kitchen has not had any progress.
Our bedroom and bathroom are painted now.
Still have to rearrange.
As I get deeper into it, I'm feeling that Freeport was a bad decision.
I'll stay, but I'm not happy.
Feeling like everyday is a headache.
Slowly, I think I'm just losing the desire.
After break, only seven weeks left.
Last student day is 29 May, with teachers required the following Monday and Tuesday.
I think Trey gets out that Friday.
I am hoping it goes by quick.
22.2.15
February
Still cold and freezing.
Breaking records/ near records for cold- but not snow. We're still low on that. Snow on the ground is frozen.
Looks like a while with this weather.
I think we've hit five days-off for the year thus far. Hopefully, no more.
Spring does not begin until 22 March, so I don't know why I am complaining. Just that time after the end of January, when hopes of an early spring start to creep in.
Things OK....
Work is work. Not enjoying it, but not hating it and not regretting it.
I think I just have a "bad" group this year...... work ethic is bad, attitude is bad. I don't think I've made a "connection" with any student, at least not one that is mine- I have a few that are not mine though.
Its been a long stretch post- winter break, and maybe I'm just tired.
The commute is getting bothersome and days are long.
Still in the house in Rockford.
Not sure when or what (for moving). I've just left it up to David. If he sees a property, he can go see it and let me know.
No work done on the house either. Little odds-and-ends to do and the kitchen. The ball starts to roll and then stops. Again, in David's realm, not mine. He will work it out when he works it out.
Trey is fine, rather not fine as he is getting in trouble at school again.
Every day last week. Not sure what is going on with his attitude and behavior.
Made sure he had a rather boring weekend this weekend- no toys, no TV, etc.
His birthday is next week.
Gym schedule going OK.
Seeing some results, but the weight is not shifting.
Joined a smoking cessation group. We'll see where it leads.
This week, the responsibility was to track our smoking. I'm, at most thus far, eight a day, which is not bad considering some of the others.
Driving is the worst, and then "transition" periods.
Art Scene over the weekend. Went well. Not really interested in much (I did not bid), and my painting sold for cheap.
Same group of Rockford gays as usual- wonder why we (David and I) never made any move to be friends with any of them.
Things OK.... I just hate this muddle. Be good or bad, not in between. I hate the in between.
Breaking records/ near records for cold- but not snow. We're still low on that. Snow on the ground is frozen.
Looks like a while with this weather.
I think we've hit five days-off for the year thus far. Hopefully, no more.
Spring does not begin until 22 March, so I don't know why I am complaining. Just that time after the end of January, when hopes of an early spring start to creep in.
Things OK....
Work is work. Not enjoying it, but not hating it and not regretting it.
I think I just have a "bad" group this year...... work ethic is bad, attitude is bad. I don't think I've made a "connection" with any student, at least not one that is mine- I have a few that are not mine though.
Its been a long stretch post- winter break, and maybe I'm just tired.
The commute is getting bothersome and days are long.
Still in the house in Rockford.
Not sure when or what (for moving). I've just left it up to David. If he sees a property, he can go see it and let me know.
No work done on the house either. Little odds-and-ends to do and the kitchen. The ball starts to roll and then stops. Again, in David's realm, not mine. He will work it out when he works it out.
Trey is fine, rather not fine as he is getting in trouble at school again.
Every day last week. Not sure what is going on with his attitude and behavior.
Made sure he had a rather boring weekend this weekend- no toys, no TV, etc.
His birthday is next week.
Gym schedule going OK.
Seeing some results, but the weight is not shifting.
Joined a smoking cessation group. We'll see where it leads.
This week, the responsibility was to track our smoking. I'm, at most thus far, eight a day, which is not bad considering some of the others.
Driving is the worst, and then "transition" periods.
Art Scene over the weekend. Went well. Not really interested in much (I did not bid), and my painting sold for cheap.
Same group of Rockford gays as usual- wonder why we (David and I) never made any move to be friends with any of them.
Things OK.... I just hate this muddle. Be good or bad, not in between. I hate the in between.
8.1.15
"Freeze" Day n. 3.
No school Monday.
OK Tuesday.
Cancelled again Wednesday & today.
Should be back to normal schedule tomorrow.
Yesterday was absolute lazy-ass day.
NCIS marathon; nearly 5 hours.
PJs all day.
Maybe I needed it, maybe not.
Sad thing is that I anticipated the day off and brought things home, plus still things on my TTD list.
Wasted day yesterday.
Catch-up today.
OK Tuesday.
Cancelled again Wednesday & today.
Should be back to normal schedule tomorrow.
Yesterday was absolute lazy-ass day.
NCIS marathon; nearly 5 hours.
PJs all day.
Maybe I needed it, maybe not.
Sad thing is that I anticipated the day off and brought things home, plus still things on my TTD list.
Wasted day yesterday.
Catch-up today.
5.1.15
First day after break- SNOW DAY/ Freeze day
No school today- but Trey does.
Interesting, because Rockford was actually colder (-24 v. -17) earlier this morning, and will get even colder the next few days.
Predicted that this weather will hang around for a while. Snow starts tonight- winter storm warning- but should be over early morning tomorrow.
Still, the cold..... maybe another day (or two) off?
Not going to waste the day.
Still have a lot of things to finish up on my TTD list.
Holiday blues ended just before my Bday- and that was a bad trip. Probably the worst I've had in years. I was actually looking forward to celebratory dinners out.
David gave me the Protective Angel Lladro- very nice gift.
So, feeling better, a lot better than before, but still not great.
Back to gym since the first.
Going to get things done today.
Interesting, because Rockford was actually colder (-24 v. -17) earlier this morning, and will get even colder the next few days.
Predicted that this weather will hang around for a while. Snow starts tonight- winter storm warning- but should be over early morning tomorrow.
Still, the cold..... maybe another day (or two) off?
Not going to waste the day.
Still have a lot of things to finish up on my TTD list.
Holiday blues ended just before my Bday- and that was a bad trip. Probably the worst I've had in years. I was actually looking forward to celebratory dinners out.
David gave me the Protective Angel Lladro- very nice gift.
So, feeling better, a lot better than before, but still not great.
Back to gym since the first.
Going to get things done today.
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